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Writing Samples
Band 5

Money can bring people happiness but, in fact, there are more important reasons for a person’s happiness. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#money #people #happiness #fact #person’s
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Money
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 is often a source of happiness for many
people
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 but I feel there are other ways
people
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 can be happy
such
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 as by spending
time
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 with family, their
health
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, friends I feel these factors are more important when considering a
person
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's overall satisfaction. It is true
money
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 can be a way for
people
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 to measure success and happiness as it can bring financial freedom,
thus
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 allowing
people
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 to spend more
time
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 doing things they enjoy. I have a friend who is financially very secure and he spends much of his
time
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 travelling and spending
time
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 with his family which he would not
otherwise
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 be able to do. I strongly believe,
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however
Add the comma(s)
,however
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 that despite
this
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 benefit,
money
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 can often be the source of great dissatisfaction, too.
People
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 can be jealous of your wealth and relationships can degrade
as a result
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. Being rich is known to be a destructive influence on many
people
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's marriage and family life. There are, in my opinion, more important reasons why
people
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 are happy. The most obvious is when friends and family have a positive influence on a
person
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's life. Spending quality
time
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 with those you love can bring much joy to a
person
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. Not only
this
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, having a healthy body and mind can
also
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 bring great satisfaction.
Health
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 problems can lead to ongoing periods of depression and anxiety as
people
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 are very often influenced by their
health
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. In conclusion, while it is true that
money
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 can have some limited positive impact on
people
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's lives, it can
also
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 bring problems related to envy. It is my view that a
person
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's opportunity to be with friends, family and to have good
health
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are
Change the verb form
is
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a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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much better
paths
Fix the agreement mistake
path
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 to happiness.
Submitted by nitchakarn.son on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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