IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Both governments and individuals are spending vast amounts of money protecting animals and their habitat. This money could be better spent dealing with fundamental issues in society such as poverty and health care. To what extent do you agree?

#governments #individuals #amounts #money #animals #habitat #society #poverty #health #care
Nowadays,
people
 have been spending lots of
money
 to save
animals
 and their abode. Some opinions suppose using
money
 to solve basic social problems is better. I do not totally agree with them. I think
people
 should balance all of
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 matters.
First
, in the impact of the economy, exploiting natural
animals
 is
one
 of the main income of many
people
 around the
world
, of
course
Add a comma
,course
show examples
 it must be exploited in the right way. That means protecting
animals
 and their habitat is
one
 of the solutions to maintain the revenue of
people
. Many nations in the
world
 have been improving fishing techniques to have higher seafood quality
that is
 the core reason to get higher prices. Japanese seafood prices are
one
 of the highest prices in the
world
 market because they have modern technicals and detailed policies in fishing and regenerative resources.
Second
, about human’s health, improving health care will not be valuable if
animals
 and their habitats were not focused
because
Change preposition
on because
show examples
people
 can not survive in an unbalanced environment. In biosciences, humans and
animals
 are factors closely related
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the food chain, any changes in
one
 of them will
also
 affect another. According to FAO (Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations), over three billion
people
 in the
world
 have needed fish’s protein to survive. Some wild animal
attackings
Correct your spelling
attacking
attacks
 on human’s farms are the result of
destruction
Add an article
the destruction
show examples
 of animal habitats.
Third
,
instead
 of governments and individuals spending
money
,
people
 should develop many different fields to create opportunities to earn
money
 for poor persons. Financial support for companies and groups to maintain or
scale up
Add a hyphen
scale-up
show examples
business
Add an article
a business
show examples
 is a popular solution. When
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
 are able to earn
money
 they will improve life and health by themselves.
Submitted by tran.thainguyen236 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecosystem services
  • ethical imperative
  • conservation
  • natural habitats
  • interconnectedness
  • preclude
  • false dichotomy
  • holistic approaches
  • sustainable development
  • environmental stewardship
  • social welfare
  • poverty alleviation
  • eco-tourism
What to do next:
Look at other essays: