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Writing Samples
Band 6

Because of the negative effects on health of an inactive lifestyle, all university students and school children should be forced to do sports activities at least 3 times per week. Do you agree? Write your argumentative essay.

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In modern society, the passive lifestyle reached its peak popularity. There are various reasons for that.
For instance
, long work hours at sedentary jobs and addiction to technologies,
such
 as smartphones and TV.
As a result
, many believe that mandatory exercises thrice a week must be introduced in educational establishments, including both schools and universities. And
while
 I do agree that people should be more physically active, I am opposed to the idea of doing it forcefully.
To begin
, it is obvious that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children and youth prefer to watch
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV or play a video game in their spare time, rather than spending it outside playing with peers or merely taking a walk. Consequences of
such
 decisions include obesity and related illnesses.
Thus
, physical activity is needed in order to reduce health problems and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Moreover
,
according to
 various studies exercising multiple times a week
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
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 the chance of developing diseases like diabetes,
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
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 pressure
as well as
 a cardiovascular conditions.
Furthermore
, it is stated that being active improves psychological health and prevents stress and depression. It is
also
 believed that playing sports helps to relax mentally.
Therefore
,
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 study performance.
However
, I strongly disagree that exercising must be obligatory
due to
 the following reasons. First and foremost, making anything compulsory decreases pupils’ and students’ interest in participating in it.
As it
Correct word choice
It
show examples
 is accepted that young people see
such
 actions as a limitation of their free will.
Hence
, their motivation plunges.
Secondly
, during the PE lessons, teachers compare students’ accomplishments to each other, rather than comparing their results individually. Being set against others, who might have better physical training background, could negatively affect an individual’s self-confidence and lead to mental disorders,
such
 as stress, depression and body dysphoria. In the final analysis, I believe that being physically active is essential in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Although
, I do not agree that PE lessons must be compulsory. From my point of view, exercising and playing sports give better results when individuals themselves show interest in participating.
Submitted by yerassem on

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task response
Your essay provides a clear and complete response to the task with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a strong logical structure and supported main points, although the introduction and conclusion could be further developed to enhance cohesion.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary and expressions is appropriate and varied, contributing to the overall quality of the essay.
grammatical range
Your grammar and sentence structure are proficient, with only minor errors. Focus on maintaining consistency in tense usage and sentence structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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