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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, there are more young people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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More and more youngsters are choosing apprenticeship rather than tertiary
education
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 in many countries.
While
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this
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 can provide some benefits to these
students
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, there can be several negative
impacts
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 on their later
career
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 life. In my opinion, the disadvantages of
this
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 choice outweigh the positive
impacts
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. It is obvious that on-the-job training benefits young
students
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 in their early
career
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 life.
That is
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, as
Correct article usage
a majoriy
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majoriy
Correct your spelling
majority
 of internships are paid, these
students
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 can support themselves financially.
As a result
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, they can manage their own welfare and their finance early in their lives.
In addition
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, companies are
also
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 willing to employ
such
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 trainees because the salary they have to pay is much lower than that for a  formal graduate employee.
This
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 leads to secure job opportunities for interns, providing them with safe work positions. Despite these advantages in their early
career
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, these youngsters have to face a lot of struggles in their later
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career
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careers
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due to
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 a lack of formal
education
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.
For example
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, a trainee can encounter problems that cannot be solved by using their experience. In
this
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 case, they might have to seek
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
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 from seniors who completed
college
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a college
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education
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, causing their existence in
workplace
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the workplace
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 less demanding. Another problem is that their pay would not increase as they get older.
This
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 means that as these people become older, they may need more money for their health or social problems, leaving them with
insuffient
Correct your spelling
insufficient
 financial resources for their daily expenses because their salary remains relatively unchanged. In conclusion, it can be seen that the number of young
students
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 choosing vocational training over university
education
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 is increasing in many nations. It is
also
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 true that
this
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 trend has both beneficial effects and detrimental
impacts
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 on
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
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young people's lives. From my perspective, its devastating
impacts
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 have more weight than the benefits.

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structure
To enhance the clarity of your essay, ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence indicating the main idea of the paragraph. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
evidence
Consider expanding on specific examples or providing more detailed reasoning to support your main points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
cohesion
Ensure the use of links and connectors throughout the essay to improve the flow and transition between paragraphs and ideas.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction succinctly outlines the topic and presents a clear stance, which is effectively reiterated in your conclusion.
task response
You have clearly identified both the advantages and disadvantages of work-based training, showcasing a balanced discussion of the topic.
coherence
The essay is well-organized with a logical progression of ideas from introduction through to conclusion.
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