IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#countries #proportion #people #think #country
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is an increase in
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
an elderly
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 in the world. Some are of the opinion that
this
Linking Words
 is beneficial for the country
however
Linking Words
 others consider
this
Linking Words
 as not useful.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views and in my opinion
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of
increase
Add an article
the increase
show examples
 in
aged
Correct article usage
the aged
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 is not good for the nation. The increase in
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
show examples
 of senior citizens is disadvantageous for
progress
Add an article
the progress
show examples
 of the country. The young
population
Use synonyms
 are involved in productivity and
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the relative decrease of
this
Linking Words
population
Use synonyms
 will affect negatively. According to world bank
statistics
Add a comma
,statistics
show examples
 many countries including
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 Kingdom the average age of the
population
Use synonyms
 is on the higher side and in these
countries
Add a comma
,countries
show examples
 there is a fall in the economy.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 the elderly
population
Use synonyms
 are
burden
Add an article
a burden
show examples
 to
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 as most of them will require increased access to health care.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the experience of the elderly age group individual should be utilised by the youngsters to move forward overcoming the difficulties faced
vy
Correct your spelling
by
 them. Most of the corporates have started
mentor mentee
Add a hyphen
mentor-mentee
show examples
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 for
grooming
Correct article usage
the grooming
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the young with the experience of the elderly. Overall, in
conclusion
Add a comma
,conclusion
show examples
 though the growing elderly age group hinders the growth of the nation, it can be beneficial if the government and the corporate
channelises
Change the verb form
channelise
show examples
 their experience for the betterment of the society.
Submitted by shishduble on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: