IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #opportunities #generation #companies #level #employees
In the structure of a
company
, obviously, the senior employees play an important role
to instruct
Change preposition
in instructing
show examples
 the recruits with their sophisticated know-how. It is the most efficient way to assist the newly employed worker to suit themselves into the working circumstance.
However
, I would like to deny the proposal that the opportunities should be used as an encouragement for the seniors. The two main reasons will explain the idea below.
Firstly
, the working experience, which highly depends on the duration of staying in a certain
company
, is the pivotal aspect for the
junior level
Add a hyphen
junior-level
show examples
 participant to accumulate.
For example
, a data analyst should spend at least 2 to 3 years practising the skills
processing
Change preposition
of processing
show examples
 and analysing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
abundant information. If the workload is occupied by
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
experienced employees, the individual growth of a recruit would not be progressively reached.
Secondly
, the challenges and tasks need to be assigned to the new generation who have enthusiasm and self-motivation to accomplish.
For instance
, a younger worker would consider the opportunity as a challenge,
consequently
, the expected outcome would be surpassed by their
dedicating
Replace the word
dedicated
show examples
 efforts, which the
company
 could benefit from their hard work. Even though the seasoned workers are capable of achieving the goal, the younger workers' achievement can boost the development of the
company
. In conclusion, the working opportunities are limited for an individual at any level of job position,
whereas
, leasing the chances as an encouragement for the seniors, as far as I
concerned
Add a missing verb
am concerned
show examples
, would be detrimental to the
company
.
Submitted by Welkin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay provides relevant examples and ideas, but lacks a clear position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is generally maintained, but the introduction and conclusion need improvement for coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: