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Band 5.5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
In the modern era, the retiring age is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 topic of public interest and concern. Facing the general situation that human life expectancy is getting much higher, while I claim that the government should raise the retirement age significantly, I am
also
 for the idea that it must be kept stable On the one hand, these days , there are absolutely the majority of people who have already retired but still want to keep working.
For example
, in the recent survey retired people said that they feel bored of being unemployed.
Moreover
, they obviously want to be more useful, not just staying at home, looking after their grandchildren or doing some gardening work and household chores. So, on the market in the today world,
their
Replace the word
there
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 exists variety of job which
are
Change the verb form
is
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 easy to do and do not require professional skills for the elderly
On the other hand
, technology has developed rapidly in our daily lives and we are now using plenty of electronic devices in our works. It cannot be denied that
although
 simple jobs are no longer suitable for the modern world, the old generations find it difficult to keep up with the demands of our life.
Therefore
, the older people get, the more health problems they have to face. Sometimes, they do not have enough strength to do heavy manual work or they will
probablylose
Correct your spelling
probably lose
 their patience to catch up with new technology In
conclusion
Add a comma
,conclusion
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 while I support the idea that the retirement age should be raised up because of human work
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
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, health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 and being impatient are the reasons why it must be kept stable
Submitted by khuongquynhnga1997 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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