IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing( for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras. In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases #development
It is true that technological devices
such
 as surveillance
video
 or mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 are utilised for monitoring public
activities
 these days. In the most common case, many
people
 do not realise that they are being monitored.
Although
 the
existence
 of these devices has some drawbacks, I do believe that it has more benefits for our communities and the following essay will discuss it in details. On the one hand, it is reported the usage of technological tools has increased,
such
 as
video
 cameras that are placed everywhere by
authorities
 and the tracking of individuals' cellular
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 using satellite technology. These acts are unfavourable for some
people
 since
authorities
 do not inform their residents about the
activities
. Some
people
 believe that
this
 is against human rights and freedom, where
people
 should have their own privacy.
Besides
 that,
this
 monitoring data could be misused by the member of the
authorities
, as the data could be sold to another party for business or political purposes.
On the other hand
, the
existence
 of CCTV in public places and satellite tracking of mobile phones would bring many advantages for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
humankind if they are used appropriately.
With the
Change preposition
The
show examples
existence
 of these
video
 monitoring
activities
, it would help the police department in preventing and investigating any
crime
Replace the word
criminal
show examples
activities
. And
then
, with the sophisticated satellite tracking technology, it could help
authorities
 in tracing crime persons, as they could search the
existence
 of criminals through the signal of mobile phones. It has been proven that
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the usage of these sophisticated technologies, it has reduced the number of crimes in many countries. In conclusion, it is common that governments use advanced technology devices
such
 as
video
camera
Fix the agreement mistake
cameras
show examples
 and handphone tracking
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
 to monitor their residents'
activities
. And in common cases, these monitoring
activities
 are not informed and socialised to the public,
therefore
 some
people
 believe that they are against human's privacy policy. In my personal opinion, I do believe that these
activities
 have more positive sides than
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 negatives if
authorities
 use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 properly.
Submitted by Thanh xuân on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: