IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

some people think watching TV is bad to children in every way. other think TV has positive effects on children , as they develop to grow up. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #tv #children #effects
Some opine that
television
affects
Rephrase
negatively affects
show examples
adversely on
Rephrase
the
show examples
 development of youth
whereas
 others think the opposite.
This
 essay tries to discuss both views in my opinion
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
 one is better because of
catastrophic
Correct article usage
the catastrophic
show examples
 effect on health and make teenager uncivilized. To commence,
television
 results badly on the body.
In other words
, there are numerous rays emitted from the
television
 that not only weaken the eyesight but
also
 the neuro system.
Moreover
, it makes youngsters lethargic. In conventional times, during leisure time
children
 play outdoor games which make them more active . A survey was held in Denmark, in 2018, which revealed that the rate of diseases like obesity, burgeoning after the demand for
television
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 in the market. Next to it, nowadays,
television
 is the main source owing to which young ones
behaviours
Replace the word
behave
show examples
 inappropriately in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
This
 means
Change noun form
children's
show examples
children
 brain is like a car with weak breaks but good acceleration.
Furthermore
, they have a habit of replication. When they watch anything on TV try to implement
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 their life.
For instance
. In ,America the rate of juvenile crime starts increasing every year after the permission given by the government to broadcast violent shows . On the other side, the acquisition of knowledge is
also
 an important thing. The
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of TV channels like Discovery helps to enhance the knowledge in the field of science. Visualisation imprints
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 minds more than audio.
Although
 there are many more activities to relax it is one of them to take a break from the monotony schedule under the observation of parents.
Children
 do not know that what is good for them or not .So parents should monitor
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
what they are watching on
television
.
To conclude
, prolonged use of
television
 is bad for both the health and the development of the mind.
Submitted by bediinderpreet8 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Develop a clear introduction and conclusion to better frame your essay
task achievement
Ensure that your response directly addresses the prompt and provides more comprehensive ideas with specific examples
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary behavior
  • unrealistic perceptions
  • creative pursuits
  • social development
  • emotional development
  • constructive content
  • screen time
  • parental guidance
  • critical thinking
  • active learning
  • age-appropriate
  • media literacy
  • family bonding
  • moderation
  • perceive
What to do next:
Look at other essays: