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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today due to advanced medicine, people are living longer. Therefore, the number of elders is expected to exceed that of young people. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Recently, thanks to sophisticated medicine, the life expectancy of
people
Use synonyms
 is longer than it used to be in the past. With that in mind, it is anticipated that the number of old
people
Use synonyms
 will exceed the youngest ones.
While
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 there might be possible disadvantages of
this
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 development, it is my opinion that the advantages are more significant.
To begin
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 with, the first disadvantage of
people
Use synonyms
 living longer is that it might be an economic burden on some countries
such
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 as third-world nations.
This
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 is because the cost of medicine production and development is high as these countries allocate their money to be spent in other fields with higher priorities
such
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 as building infrastructure.
Secondly
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, if the number of older
people
Use synonyms
 is increasing,
this
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 might harm the workforce. The reason for
this
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 is that several work fields require physical strength
such
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 as construction works.
Consequently
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, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are not fit for
such
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 jobs as there are fewer young
people
Use synonyms
 who can fill the gap. Having said that, the first benefit of having more old
people
Use synonyms
 around is that it is worthwhile for the
working force
Correct your spelling
workforce
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.
This
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 is because most of the married youths are dual-income families; both of the parents are working.
Therefore
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, if the grandparents are enjoying good health, these working couples will leave their children with
grandparents
Correct pronoun usage
their grandparents
show examples
while
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 they at work.
As a result
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, they will feel a sense of tranquillity and security. What is more, these old
people
Use synonyms
 can benefit society in the long run.
This
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 is based on the fact that they possess valuable wisdom and experience from their long lifetime.
Moreover
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, they can transfer their useful aspects to children, and,
this
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 indeed, will lead to a better generation in the future. In conclusion,
although
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 there are several problems that
this
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 development – brings predominately economic burden and negatively
affecting
Wrong verb form
affects
show examples
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
- the benefits it brings
such
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 as helping their sons to take care of their children and raising better future generations are impossible to ignore.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph is well-developed with clear topic sentences.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, especially in the paragraph discussing the economic burden and the impact on the workforce.
coherence cohesion
Work on maintaining a more consistent use of sequence markers and connectors to improve flow and connections between ideas.
coherence cohesion
You presented a clear introduction with a precise thesis statement setting the framework for discussion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarized the main points and provided a balanced view of the advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
Your analysis of how elderly people can benefit society through wisdom and experience is insightful and original.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • longevity
  • geriatric population
  • intergenerational
  • volunteering
  • medical advancements
  • economic contribution
  • cultural perspective
  • healthcare expenditures
  • age-friendly
  • ageism
  • public policies
  • demographic shifts
  • economic stability
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