IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

#countries #people #health #food #governments #tax
In the world, there is a large number of
people
 suffering serious health issues, because they are consuming a lot of junk
food
 and it is causing
Add an article
a problem
the problem
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
such
as
Add the preposition
foras
show examples
 overweight and obesity that increases the risk of
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 diseases and in critical
cases
Add a comma
,cases
show examples
 it can cause death. Even the governments impose
higher
Add an article
a higher
the higher
show examples
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
, I do not agree that will be 100% effective. Currently, you can find easy many
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
 restaurants anywhere and the low prices
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 really attractive.
The most
Correct article usage
Most
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 choose
this
 kind of
food
,
first
 because they love fast
food
 and it is affordable, you can eat a complete meal
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 price.
Furthermore
, the shortage
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
 and busy lifestyle forces
people
 eating what is more convenient and
quick
Change the adjective
quickly
show examples
such
 as Mc Donalds,
Hugry
Correct your spelling
Hungry
 Jacks and KFC that are the most famous
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
 restaurants in the world and to make your life easier, these establishments still offer the drive-thru as
option
Add an article
an option
show examples
.
On the other hand
, the population are suffering graves health problems, owing to high consumption of junk
food
 without
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 and it may
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 serious consequences
such
 as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and
certains
Correct your spelling
certain
 cancer. Nowadays, there are
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
 information about the
food
 and
people
 are aware that some
food
, for
exemple
Correct your spelling
example
, pizza and burger contain harmful ingredients, so the good way to avoid health problems is the
food
 education. In conclusion, I do not agree that impose
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 tax will be enough to curb
this
 problem
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because there are others reasons why
people
 consume junk
food
 as we discussed above, but
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
 I believe that the government can provide medical treatments with lower prices or even for free.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy information should be sharing more and more to make
people
 cognizant
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the risks.
Submitted by carvalhos.comercial on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • health outcomes
  • healthcare costs
  • consumer behavior
  • socio-economic backgrounds
  • ethical implications
  • public health campaigns
  • subsidies
  • regulations
  • nutritional content
  • healthier food options
  • government intervention
What to do next:
Look at other essays: