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Writing Samples /
Band 5

“Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.” To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#“fatherhood #motherhood #idea #women #babies #children
It is certainly true that
mother
Correct article usage
the mother
show examples
 is the person who has a very important role and a great influence on the
children
.
However
, I do not agree with the statement that maternity
is merely have
Change the verb form
merely has
show examples
 a duty of care to
Add an article
the kid
a kid
show examples
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
because
Add the preposition
ofbecause
show examples
 the responsibility for nurturing
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both
parents
.
First
 of all, every
child
 who is brought to
this
 world needs the love and attention of
both
parents
 to be more emotionally and physically secured. Many studies have pointed out that
fathers
’ involvement drastically
influence
Change the verb form
influences
show examples
 a
child
’s emotional reception. With that in mind, if a
child
 didn’t receive his or her father’s care, it could affect the
child
’s growth negatively.
On the other hand
, the role of
fathers
 is not only limited to providing financial support, they are
also
 responsible for taking care of and raising
children
. The influence of
fathers
 has a great impact on
children
,
children
 idolize their own
fathers
 and like
fathers
 are an example for
children
 to follow
thus
children
 will be independent and strong.
In addition
, in the eyes of the
children
, the father is like a superhero who will always stand up for them when they are bullied by other people.
Therefore
, his son or daughter feel more secure and protected under
father’s
Correct pronoun usage
his father’s
show examples
 wings.
Moreover
,
dad
Correct article usage
the dad
show examples
 can listen and give advice when a
child
 has issues. In conclusion, fatherhood should be highlighted no less than motherhood due to its importance and uniqueness.
Besides
, a
child
 needs
both
 its
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 affection and support and
that is
 why
both
parents
 should play equal roles in raising a
child
.
Submitted by thientrang1616 on

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    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
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    • Sentence 2 - Example
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  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
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    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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