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Band 6

Question- Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#question- #people #music #cultures #ages
In our contemporary society, the influential power of
music
 is priceless and can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
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 relationships. Some societies have a notion that
music
 is one of the most preferable ways to bring
people
 from diverse backgrounds together. I completely agree with
this
 idea, and in the forthcoming paragraphs,
this
 essay will elucidate the reasons why I support
this
 way of thinking and provide a logical conclusion from my standpoint. First and foremost, there is no doubt that every single person has their own reasons to find interest in
music
.
Thus
, the discrepancies between
indivudals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 who have a wide variety of
music
 tastes can stem from several factors
such
 as different personality traits, traditional beliefs, and cultural norms. Even if their grounds differ from each other, they
also
 have common purposes
to listen
Change preposition
for listening
show examples
 to any
kinds
Fix the agreement mistake
kind
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 of
music
such
 as entertainment or trying to unwind their mind from the stressors of daily life.
Therefore
, in spite of having completely various
music
 preferences,
this
 activity can help them in being together, diminishing the potential threats of feeling isolation and loneliness.
On the other hand
,
it is clear that
people
 from old ages may have interests, hobbies, and tendencies which might not align with
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation’s penchant, in terms of their social environment and core values.
Although
 youth’s predispositions are not similar to the old, they can recommend their own style
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
music
 to
Add an article
the elder
show examples
elder
Correct your spelling
older
show examples
 generation, making new things acceptable to them and creating a more inclusive atmosphere within communities.
Conversely
,
people
 of our parents’ age can suggest relatively calm and soothing
music
 genres which can be beneficial for adolescent’s development of mindset.
As a result
,
people
 of all age groups start to revere diverse perspectives from 7 to 70. In conclusion, after having meticulously discussed
this
 phenomenon, it is undeniable that all kinds of
music
 have boons for
people
 with unsimilar viewpoints regardless of age range and cultural background. I am a staunch believer that
music
 is the best way to establish equality and fight against discrimination within societies
while
 safeguarding peace for the sake of posterity.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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Expression
Maintain clear and concise expressions to enhance understanding, especially in complex sentences.
Grammar
Consider diversifying your sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical proficiency.
Vocabulary
Incorporate more varied and precise vocabulary to accurately convey nuanced perspectives.
Coherence
Ensure a smooth flow of ideas between paragraphs with more explicit linking phrases for stronger cohesion.
Structure
Effective introduction and conclusion that clearly state your opinion and summarize your argument.
Content
Good use of examples and explanations to support your points throughout the essay.
Task Response
Demonstrates a clear understanding of the task with a well-developed argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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