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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals as food or other products, such as medicines and clothing. Do you agree or disagree?

#world #animals #food #products #medicines
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In the modern society of today, food or other products
such
 as clothing items,
medicines
Correct word choice
and medicines
show examples
 do not need
animals
 to make.
Moreover
,
this
 idea brings a lot of advantages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of
people
, and I completely agree with
this
 statement.
Firstly
, if
people
went
Verb problem
reduced
show examples
 down
using kind
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 of items from
animals
, they would help the rate of wildlife extinction
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
reduce. It is clear to see that many
people
 hunt animal species to produce items
such
 as clothing,
jewellery
Correct word choice
and jewellery
show examples
 and it is an illegal business.
For example
, every year in Vietnam, the business
situation trades
Wrong verb form
trading
show examples
 ivory products more and more
increasing
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, and it affects seriously the number of existing elephants.
Secondly
, declining food from
animals
 and
replace by
Wrong verb form
replacing it with
show examples
 a plant-based diet could improve the health of
people
. Vegetables contain a lot of nutrition and
vitamin
Fix the agreement mistake
vitamins
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,
therefore
 there are many
nutritionist
Fix the agreement mistake
nutritionists
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
who advice
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advice
Replace the word
advise
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people
 should eat them every day in their
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
.
For instance
, eating plenty of vegetables proves that they could decrease some obesity, heart-related diseases, and cancer.
Finally
, currently with the development of high technology,
people
 could test medicine through sophisticated computer programs rather than the body of
animals
.
In addition
, it
also
 brings correct results. Illustration, an experiment in the animal body is extremely cruel, expensive, and
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 beneficial for
people
;
thus
, in developed countries, they use in vitro, in silico experiments to replace experiments in
animals
. In conclusion, in recent times,
people
 tend to use products that are not made from
animals
such
 as food, medicines, and clothing, because
this
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
could protect
animals
,
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
Correct article usage
the healthy
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healthy
Replace the word
health
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people
Change preposition
of people
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, and
developing
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
 experiments in technology
instead
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animal body.
Submitted by nguyennhancrazy on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more developed to provide a clear overview of the essay.
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The response addresses the task and provides clear and relevant explanations. Ensure to fully address the prompt and give more balanced arguments.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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