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Writing Samples
Band 5

Excessive sugar consumption causes many diseases. Some people think that it is the government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption while others think that it is the individual’s responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views

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In the 21st century consumption of
Use synonyms
sugar
Add a comma
,sugar
show examples
 intakes are increase extensively due to unhealthy
lifestyle
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.
However
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,
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
group
Add an article
a group
the group
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 of
people
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 ponder that it is the
responsibility
Use synonyms
 of
people
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 themselves to regulate
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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 like diabetics , while other groups
opines
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opine
show examples
 that
government
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 should initiate
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
 intervention for
this
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 problem. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain both views with relevant examples.
To begin
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,there are many measures that can apply
society
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to society
show examples
 with the help of
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government
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the government
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 to reduce
lifestyle
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 diseases like diabetics.
Firstly
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, food authorities need to list out harmful preservatives and food colours among customers for understanding which one is good for their body.
Inaddition
Correct your spelling
In addition
,
this
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 is more accurate for
people
Use synonyms
 to analyse good products from their market.
Secondly
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,
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government
Add an article
the government
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 should initiate a regular community checkup for
people
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 through
primary
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the primary
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 health
center
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centers
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.
This
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 will initiate
an
Remove the article
apply
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awareness among
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 related to high blood
sugar
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.
On the other hand
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, educating parents or youngsters
makes
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make
show examples
 a huge difference in their outlook of
healthy
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a healthy
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lifestyle
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. To illustrate
this
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, in Japan every council provides free monthly
Add a hyphen
check-up
show examples
check
Fix the agreement mistake
checks
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 up for local
people
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 and if they have any
lifestyle
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 disease
government
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 will provide them
nutrition
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with nutrition
show examples
 experts for their
betterments
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betterment
show examples
. Apparently, it's our
responsibility
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 to take care of our own health because mental preparation is the most important thing for getting
healthy
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a healthy
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 body. Admittedly, reducing food consumption helps for weight loss and it
regulate
Change the verb form
regulates
show examples
sugar
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 level in our blood cells Reportedly, there are plenty of mobile apps
provides
Correct pronoun usage
that provides
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a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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healthy diet tips, exercise ,yoga practice and meditation.
Moreover
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, a responsible person who initiated
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this ideas
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this idea
these ideas
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, definitely he will recover from diabetics.
For example
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, one of my
friend
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friends
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 recently tested with high blood
sugar
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 but now he is completely ok because he followed
keto
Add an article
the keto
a keto
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 diet with the help of a mobile app .So that means individual
responsibility
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 has a vital role in reducing
sugar
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 consumption. In
conclusion
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,conclusion
show examples
 there is a saying 'health is our wealth'
similarly
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 'a sound body can make a sound mind'. So everyone
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 a collective
responsibility
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 to regulate
sugar
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intakes
Fix the agreement mistake
intake
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 and healthy habits . It is high time that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
people
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 ensured a healthy routine in our society for
further
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 development.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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