IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think secondary school students should study international news as one of their subjects, while others believe that this is a waste of valuable school time. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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There are differing views regarding whether global
news
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 should be made a
subject
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 in secondary schools or not. In my opinion, making international headlines as a required
subject
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 in school is worth it, because it could ignite motivation for
students
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’
future
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 excellence. On the one hand,
students
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 do not get direct benefits for their
future
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 careers if they study international
news
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. Knowing information on current events,
such
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 as tsunamis or wars, may not provide evident skills to increase their chances of getting good jobs. That’s why, some people think it will be better if
students
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 allocate their valuable time to learn relevant studies, like math or science.
However
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, I do not think all
students
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 want to be a scientist or an engineer. Exploring global
news
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,
for instance
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, may grow their interest in journalism.
On the other hand
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, studying
news
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 around the world has the power to motivate
future
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 excellence in
students
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. When schools make international
news
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 a required
subject
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 in school, they will be exposed to headlines that shape the world today and inspire them to
also
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 make meaningful contributions in the
future
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.
For example
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, entrepreneur Jeff Bezos built a company,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Blue Origin, and launched a rocket to space, He was inspired because he saw the
news
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 of the first man who landed on the moon when he was a child. In conclusion,
while
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 studying global
news
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is
Verb problem
does
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 not directly benefit
students
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’
future
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 careers, it has the potential to motivate
future
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 excellence in
students
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, and,
therefore
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 should be included as a mandatory
subject
Use synonyms
 in secondary education.

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vocabulary
Try to enhance your essay by diversifying your vocabulary. While your use of language is clear and communicates your points well, using a wider range of vocabulary can make your argument more sophisticated and engaging.
grammar
Remember to proofread your work for any potential errors. For instance, '...while studying global news is not directly benefit students’ future careers...' could be refined to '...while studying global news may not directly benefit students’ future careers...'. Attention to detail can improve the overall presentation and effectiveness of your argument.
argumentation
Consider integrating opposing viewpoints more thoroughly by acknowledging their validity before presenting your counter-argument. This strategy can enrich the depth of your discussion and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task response
You provided a balanced discussion on both views regarding the inclusion of international news in the secondary school curriculum before stating your own opinion clearly. This structure is effective in fully addressing the essay prompt.
coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a clear, logical structure, making it easy to follow your arguments. The transition between paragraphs and points contributes to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
specific example
The use of specific examples, such as Jeff Bezos and the Blue Origin, is an excellent way to support your arguments. This approach provides concrete evidence to strengthen your claims and makes your argument more persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Global awareness
  • Critical thinking
  • Global citizenship
  • Cultural diversity
  • Communication skills
  • Historical context
  • World affairs
  • Academic subjects
  • Bias
  • Misinformation
  • Age-appropriate
  • Media literacy
  • Educational enrichment
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