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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children obesity is an increasing problem in Australia .As many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students seat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #obesity #australia #two #thirds #schools #responsibility #students #seat #amount #exercise
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It is
agured
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argued
agreed
 that two out of
third
Linking Words
 Australian
children
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 face a big problem about overweight.
Weight
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 monitoring and workout activities are been a responsibility
by
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of
show examples
Use synonyms
school
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the school
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. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion and think It is a
directly
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direct
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 responsibility of
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school
Add an article
the school
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 to look after any
children
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 by monitor their
weight
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 and control
calories
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intake
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.
First
Linking Words
 of all, exercise is the most important
role
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 to control
weight
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loss
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 situation. Schools should plan or have
a classes
Correct the article-noun agreement
classes
a class
show examples
 to work out. Nowadays
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
children
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 spend time more than 8 hours in their
school
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 for 5 days. It is almost 50% of their time per day. The exercise classes can promote their motivation
for
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to
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 burn
calories
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 especially the
school
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 give a special point if they can do it.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is better if they have a friend to try
weight
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loss
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 together.
Second
Linking Words
 of all,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
calories
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intake
Use synonyms
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is the
second
Linking Words
 important
role
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to
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in
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weight
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loss
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 conditions. The
calories
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intake
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 should balance with their activities or
calories
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 outtake.
Add an article
A nutritionist
The nutritionist
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Nutritionist
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Nutritionists
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 should calculate the optimal
calories
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intake
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 balanced with their lifestyle. While
school
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 should cook the ideal food for
children
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 health.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
diseases
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 are important factors to change them that become fat. Many
diseases
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 interfere
the
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with the
show examples
 metabolism, digestion, and absorption processes. Routine health
check
Fix the agreement mistake
checks
show examples
 for
role
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 other
diseases
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 out should be performed in
children
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 with obesity. Nowadays many reports have been published about
diseases
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 that make obesity person
such
Linking Words
 as hormonal disturbance and gastrointestinal disorder.
However
Linking Words
, all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Add an article
the children
show examples
 that overweight should be examined by
doctor
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a doctor
the doctor
show examples
 and/or nutritionist. In conclusion, the
school
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 is an important
role
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 to monitor
children
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weight
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 and promote
weight
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loss
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as
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
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 correct way. Balancing between
calories
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 outtake and
intake
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 are a point to .. for
dieter
Add an article
the dieter
a dieter
show examples
, as well as ,
role
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 out other
diseases
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 that become the pig problem about their
weight
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.
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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • holistic approach
  • early intervention
  • long-term health issues
  • primary responsibility
  • resource constraints
  • privacy concerns
  • collaborate with parents and communities
What to do next:
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