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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think competitions inside and outside of school are necessary for children to prepare for their future. Others think it's bad . Discuss both views and state your opinion.

Schools are the institutions that shape children's future. It is needless to say that
ambience
Correct article usage
the ambience
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 at schools
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 a great impact on each and every child. Some believe the competitive nature should be cherished at the school level,
while
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 others strongly disagree. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and explain why I belong to the latter group of people. A group of people feels that it is absolutely necessary to promote
competitions
Use synonyms
 at schools.
According to
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 them,
competitions
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 push a person to work harder and excel in
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 career, which is partly correct. In a survey conducted by
Mcgill
Use the right word
McGill
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 University,
for example
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, it was found that rewarding students for achieving first place
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 boosted the energy and effort that pupils were putting
in
Change preposition
into
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 their endeavours. It is clear from
this
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 that if there were no racing for any 
achievement
Punctuation problem
achievement,
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 the zeal of the journey for doing better would have simply died. In my opinion,
however
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,
this
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 is not
the case always
Correct word order
always the case
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. Despite the aforementioned logic, many, including me, believe the competitive atmosphere in educational institutions often creates fear and anxiety  among children and adolescents. They argue that all children are special and all are born with some innate qualities which are to be found eventually. Even if they work hard, at times, the aimed position might remain unattainable
due to
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 misfortune or anything . That genuinely does not define a student as a failure. There is multiple evidence that failing in
such
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competitions
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 has compelled pupils to think less of themselves and their mental health
got
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 affected . An article published in The Hindu,
for instance
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,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 shown through a story of a teen who has locked herself in her room for 3 days as she could not face her parents after not getting the desired score.
Such
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 incidents point out clearly that rat-racing in reality promotes anxiety and stress
instead
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 of encouragement to hard work. In conclusion, it is clear that some sort of encouragement is essential to push every learner to study harder.
Competitions
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 alone,
however
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, are not the solution. Youngsters should be encouraged to study and excel in their careers in a healthier way than only rat-racing.
Because success
Change preposition
Success
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 in life is far from just being the first in a class test.

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structure
Make a plan before you write. Put one clear idea in each paragraph with a topic sentence.
development
Add more depth to each view. Give full reasons and more strong, clear examples.
coherence
Use linking words to show how ideas are linked, like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'however', 'in addition' and 'in conclusion'.
grammar
Fix grammar and form. Watch for subject-verb and noun forms.
lexical
Keep to easy words. A few new words are fine if you know them well.
content
Your view is clear and you discuss both sides.
content
You give some real world examples to back ideas.
structure
You end with a short conclusion that sums up your view.
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