IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Vaccinating children against preventable diseases is not only unnecessary but also dangerous. Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree.

#children #diseases
Nowadays new educational methods have been brought up which no longer include corporal
punishment
. Unfortunately, some
parents
 still believe that spanking is the best option to discipline their
children
.
This
 essay will argue that, despite
effective
Add a missing verb
being effective
show examples
 on a behavioural level, physical
punishment
 is the worst educational method that I totally disagree with, given that it has dangerous effects on
children
’s psychology. Still to date, smacking
children
 is considered the best form of education by many
parents
, especially among certain demographics. One of the main reasons could be the belief that the fear of corporal
punishment
 is essential to control infants’ manners.
For example
, several old educational books suggest breeding the character through fear of physical punishments and strict discipline. On another side,
this
 violent approach could be out of
subconscious
Correct article usage
the subconscious
show examples
 mind and, despite having received
this
 kind of hard education himself, one may replicate it into his own
children
. In fact, more than 80% of
parents
 claim that they have beaten their
children
 up at least once during the
last
 year and do not believe it to be detrimental
on
Change preposition
from
show examples
 a
psychology
Replace the word
psychological
show examples
 standpoint. Basically, many
parents
 tend to rely on inflicting pain as they struggle to control their
children
. Despite being a good and rapid fix to control bad demeanour, beating
children
 up is absolutely wrong
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the long run. In
facts
Fix the agreement mistake
fact
show examples
, a more verbal oriented education will help the young generation internalize the reasons
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why to adopt
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
certain conduct
instead
 of another.
Furthermore
, the fear of the
punishment
 is not as strong as the respect of the parental role from the child, and, in some cases, it could
also
 trigger worse reactions out of the infants and lead to adult psychological dysfunctions.
For instance
, many behavioural scientists have proven that the strongest
elements
Fix the agreement mistake
element
show examples
 to improve
children
’s morals and habits is to lead by example and to communicate with them. In light of
this
, psychologists all around the world stood up against smacking
children
 as a form of teaching. In conclusion,
this
 essay argued why spanking
children
 is not a good way of teaching.
This
 method, in my opinion, despite
effective
Add a missing verb
being effective
show examples
 on a superficial look according to someone, involves several downsides and should be absolutely avoided in favour of a newer communication-based approach.
Submitted by s.didonato on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: