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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Does internet need to be controlled by the government?

#internet #government
In most countries around the world, the
Internet
 is managed and inspected by the
government
 for many reasons
such
 as monitoring the activity of the population of a country.
However
, some people might not consider
this
 a very ethical or correct management or activity of the
government
. In my view,
this
 act could be helpful in many ways all around the world for safety reasons. Mostly, people would not appreciate the
government
 taking control of the
internet
 as that would mean
invasion
Correct article usage
an invasion
show examples
 of privacy for some people and
therefore
 means most of the population's data would be exposed to the
government
. That would make it easier for ad targeting or even
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 it harder
for talking
Change preposition
to talk
show examples
/
engaging
Wrong verb form
engage
show examples
 in a conversation online without being exposed to the
government
however
 it is very difficult for the
government
 to monitor everything considering a large variety of populations uses the
internet
.
Secondly
, if the
government
 starts an action to
take
Verb problem
apply
show examples
assess the
internet
’s action, it might have many benefits
such
 as preventing illegal
activities
. Many illegal
activities
 are carried out online which could be prevented if monitored and
took
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 charge against
such
 as money laundering can be executed online and would lead to multiple illegal
activities
 all over the country. If the
government
 takes charge against finding illegal
activities
 online it could be very useful to increase efficiency and decrease harmful online crime cases in the long term. In conclusion, despite the invasion of privacy, I strongly feel that it would make a huge difference considering the benefits over the negative effects. The bans, 24/7 monitoring and more restrictions would be better for the whole population to be kept away from forbidden and impermissible actions over the worldwide
internet
.
Submitted by abdullah.asif619 on

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task response
The essay adequately responds to the prompt and presents clear comprehensive ideas. It, however, requires better organization and more relevant examples to support the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is evident, but the introduction and conclusion could be stronger. The supported main points could be more developed through better cohesion and linking of ideas.
lexical resource
The essay showcases a decent range of vocabulary and uses language accurately. However, there is room for improvement in using more precise and appropriate vocabulary to convey the arguments effectively.
grammatical range
The grammatical range is wide and most sentences are well-constructed. However, there are some errors in sentence structure and usage of complex grammatical structures that need attention.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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