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Band 3

PEOPLE ARE LIVING LONGER NOWADAYS. THERE SHOULD BE AN INCREASE IN RETIRE AGE. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

#people #age
Due to
development
 in medicine and health care system average
age
 of living for humans have gone up in recent years and people are arguing that there should be
rise
Add an article
a rise
show examples
 in
retirement
age
 I don't agree with
this
development
 and I will
further
 discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
this
 issue in
this
 essay. Newer medicines and Health care had helped a lot in reaching good health and now people live
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
Change the article
the
show examples
eighties and
ninties
Correct your spelling
nineties
. Medication for diseases like diabetes and hypertension had boosted the longevity of those patients. Technologies like angiography and bypass surgeries have given better and longer life to
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of people. All
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
things together brought up
Add an article
the
show examples
national average
age
 of death . So raising
Add an article
the
show examples
retirement
age
 is obvious demand but I am against
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it as the longevity of life should be for the person.
Average
Add an article
The average
An average
show examples
working person gives around 30 years of life to work and after that
Add a comma
,
show examples
I strongly believe they should have their own time for hobbies, travel or for their family and grandchildren. After
Correct article usage
a
show examples
certain
age
Add a comma
,age
show examples
 human brain and physical capacity
declines
Change the verb form
decline
show examples
so productivity will be less if
such
 workforce will
remains
Change the verb form
remain
show examples
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work.
Furthermore
Add a comma
,
show examples
the younger generation
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 job opportunities if there is no
retirement
 at
particular
Add an article
a particular
show examples
age
, which in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 disturb their family
development
 and
Correct article usage
the
show examples
overall
development
 of
Correct article usage
the
show examples
new generation. So I
am not agree
Change the verb form
do not agree
show examples
 with the statement of
dalaying
Correct your spelling
delaying
retirement
Correct article usage
the retirement
show examples
age
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
favour
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
of society in long run and for
Add an article
the
show examples
betterment of the working class .
Submitted by Mahesh02o on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Legal age
  • Marriage
  • Maturity
  • Stability
  • Individual choice
  • Freedom
  • Cultural practices
  • Religious practices
  • Education
  • Career aspirations
What to do next:
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