IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries it is illegal to refuse people applying for jobs because of their age. Is it a positive or a negative development, in your opinion?

Denying job opportunities on the basis of advanced
age
Use synonyms
 is considered a crime in
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 countries.
However
Linking Words
, in my opinion, it is a negative development because it can affect the
overall
Linking Words
 progress of a nation.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss in the first paragraph
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 how old
age
Use synonyms
 medical issues have an impact and in the second paragraph how familial responsibilities affect the working capacity of an employee.
Firstly
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, as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 advances, a plethora of physical problems hampers the energy level of an individual.
People
Use synonyms
 in their old
age
Use synonyms
 suffer not only from hypertension, diabetes and joint pain but
also
Linking Words
 from lack of concentration, memory impairment and lethargy.
Therefore
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, work done by
such
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 employees most of the time hinders quality
as well as
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 punctuality in comparison with the youngsters.
In addition
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 to that, an employer may need to bear additional expenses on the health management of their elderly staff, probably more than younger ones. Resultantly
financial
Punctuation problem
, financial
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 loss happens, which
consequently
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 has a considerable negative impact on the economy of a community.
For instance
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, a cooperative bank in my town called ' The Saraswat Bank',
lately
Rephrase
recently
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 retired Mr
Singh
Punctuation problem
Singh,
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 a
60 years old
Correct your spelling
60-year-old
 accountant
because
Punctuation problem
, because
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 of his
excess
Correct word choice
excessive
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 leaves
due to
Linking Words
 fitness issues.
Secondly
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, the life of the aged
people
Use synonyms
 is often multifaceted with
owning
Verb problem
apply
show examples
responsibilities of family. Even though they are committed to their jobs, family problems, conflicts
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 responsible parenthood sometimes weaken them.
Moreover
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, these
people
Use synonyms
 are more intrigued with social interaction and their image, which forces them to be available in social gatherings
such
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 as
marriage
Check wording
weddings
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 and engagement parties.
As a
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result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
life
Check wording
the lives
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 of elderly
people
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more complicated
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
additionally
Add a comma
additionally,
show examples
 they are more distracted and indisciplined.
For example
Linking Words
, Mrs Deshpande in my neighbourhood usually works less than a year in one office because she was
Linking Words
then
Rephrase
apply
show examples
dismissed by an employer
due to
Linking Words
intervention
Correct article usage
the intervention
show examples
 of her family commitments in her job.
Thus
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,
this
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 results in a waste of time and money for the employers and
eventually
Punctuation problem
eventually,
show examples
 what gets hampered
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is their progress. In conclusion, referring to the
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
 detrimental effect of appointing
old
Use the right word
old-age
show examples
age
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 is an utterly negative development in my opinion.

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task response
Use a clear, direct answer in the opening paragraph and restate it in the conclusion.
grammar
Limit long sentences and use simple grammar to avoid errors that break meaning.
lexical
Stick to simple vocabulary; avoid long words or jargon not in the top 100 words.
coherence
Improve coherence by using linking words to connect ideas and avoid abrupt shifts.
examples
Provide specific examples with clear ties to your main point, and explain how they support your view.
argument
Clear stance on the topic.
structure
Structured outline with introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
content
Effort to give examples to support points.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • age discrimination
  • equal opportunities
  • diverse work environment
  • innovative solutions
  • valuable experience
  • employment rate
  • merit-based hiring
  • qualifications
  • inclusivity
  • respect
  • age groups
  • adapt to new technologies
  • training and support
What to do next:
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