IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

If you could make two changes in the educational system of your country, what aspects would you change? Support your ideas with reasons and examples and discuss how the changes you suggest would improve the system.

#two #changes #system #country #aspects #change #support
In undeveloped
countries
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
compulsory
education
 for their people is not supported by the
government
.
On the other hand
, in some developed
countries
,
although
 the
government
 will provide compulsory
education
, the educational system of their
countries
maybe
Correct your spelling
may be
show examples
 not
good
Add a missing verb
be good
show examples
 enough for the future in the present society. So the
education
 should be improved in
in
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
all
countries
, whether underdeveloped or developed. Nowadays, The
education
 that
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 have to learn is called compulsory
education
, which
provided
Add a missing verb
is provided
show examples
 by the
government
 for free. But in the
education
system
Add a comma
,system
show examples
 there are two big problems that need to be dealt with.
First
, the teachers have to teach their
students
 equally and don't be biased on the poor
children
 by
compairing
Correct your spelling
comparing
 them with wealthy
children
 because it will make bad experiences that affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their adult life.
For instance
, if teachers agree with wealthy
children
 too much, wealthy
children
 may be misunderstood that they do the right things, causing poor
students
were
Change the verb form
to be
show examples
 bullied by wealthy
students
.
Second
,
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
show examples
 of
education
 in some schools is not as good as
quality
Add an article
a quality
the quality
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
required
Add a missing verb
is required
show examples
 by the
government
.
Therefore
, every school should have the same course to
be teach
Change the verb form
teach
show examples
 the
students
 equally because it is not necessary for
Correct your spelling
children
children's
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 to compete with other
children
 to attend the
high rank
Add a hyphen
high-rank
show examples
 schools to get
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 good
education
. to conclude, if we can deal with the problems that I have mentioned above, the student bullying might be decreased and the quality of the
education
 will
much
Add a missing verb
be much
show examples
 better than the present being.
Submitted by zzknightzz555 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: