IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that the best way to encourage children that have a healthy diet at school and some people believe that parents should teach them to have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

It is claimed that
schools
Use synonyms
 play a vital role in educating
children
Use synonyms
 about a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
. Some argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 should be responsible for teaching their offspring what good
food
Use synonyms
 is. In my opinion, I believe that
schools
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 an equal role in guiding
children
Use synonyms
 about a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, there are many reasons to believe in
school's
Correct article usage
the school's
show examples
 role in teaching
children
Use synonyms
 a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, teachers are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
knowledgeable monitors for
kids
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 spend much time in
schools
Use synonyms
, and teachers teach them about the benefits of a healthy body by guiding the
food
Use synonyms
 that
children
Use synonyms
 consume in each meal.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can easily absorb what they learn and apply them in life.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in
Use synonyms
schools
Add a comma
schools,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 have practice time to use the knowledge about good
food
Use synonyms
 in their homework or their lunches.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 contribute to
form
Wrong verb form
forming
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 in
children
Use synonyms
's eating. As
kids
Use synonyms
 are easily reflected by how their
parents
Use synonyms
 eat,
children
Use synonyms
 can copy it and eat like their
parents
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, my five-year-old cousin likes to eat many vegetables in each meal because she often observes the
food
Use synonyms
 that her
parents
Use synonyms
 eat every day. Another reason is that
parents
Use synonyms
 usually prepare meals for
kids
Use synonyms
, so they will know which
food
Use synonyms
 is suitable for their
children
Use synonyms
 or not.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can guide
kids
Use synonyms
 to eat vegetables
instead
Linking Words
 of eating junk foods. In conclusion, having a healthy
diet
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
 should be a combination of both
parents
Use synonyms
 and
schools
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can apply the knowledge from school
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 each meal at home.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider expanding on your examples to provide more detailed support for your points. For instance, you could mention specific healthy foods or specific practices that schools implement to promote healthy eating.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your opinion and rephrases the prompt. This helps in providing context for your main arguments.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas more fluently, using linking words like 'however', 'on the contrary', and 'in addition' to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view of the topic, discussing both the role of schools and parents effectively.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with clear paragraphs dedicated to each viewpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: