IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people believe that modern music can have a negative impact on the young. Others believe the effect of modern music is positive. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #music #impact #effect
Most individuals think that modern
music
 can have
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
impact
 on
youngsters
, while others think it provides
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them. To my opinion, Modern
music
 only brings
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
Correct your spelling
today's
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
youngsters
, because, most
music
 has no social values and
causes
ill-effects
Correct your spelling
ill effects
show examples
 to them and their
community
.
People
 who believe that modern
music
 provides them positive
impact
 doesn'
t
 realize that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
music
 is rhythm, which should provide
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 message and peace of mind. Comparing to older
songs
 modern
songs
 have too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 instrument noises, which is
also
 in high pitch. Recent
songs
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 words, most of the words are not clear in pronunciation,
therefore
 it doesn'
t
 provide any value to the listeners.
People
 argue that the tunes present in the
music
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
then
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
peace
Add an article
the peace
show examples
 of mind while listening, which is a valid point, but, there are only
few
Change the article
a few
show examples
songs
has
Correct pronoun usage
that has
show examples
 been released like
such
 in recent times. Considering
these modern
Change the determiner
this modern music
show examples
music
 can'
t
 provide any positive
impact
 to
Correct your spelling
today's
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
youngsters
. When it comes to
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 negative
impact
, modern
music
causes
 more bad effects to the young generations and
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
community
.
Recent
Change preposition
In recent
show examples
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
people
 prefer to hear
songs
 using
headphone
Fix the agreement mistake
headphones
show examples
,
this
 instrument makes noises closer to the ears. When
music
 has high pitch noise heard in
such
 manner
causes
 ear failure, due to
this
people
 will become deaf sooner.
Todays
Correct your spelling
Today
show examples
music
 is causing more anger and rage in
youngsters
, because, the high instrument noises
causes
 them to do more aggressive things.
This
 kind of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
causes
 unnecessary problems to their surroundings and their
community
,
therefore
 modern
music
 only
provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 society. In conclusion, Modern
music
 isn'
t
 like old
music
 which
provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
social
Correct article usage
a social
show examples
 message and
pleasant
Add a missing verb
is pleasant
show examples
 to hear. It only
causes
 ill-effects on
youngsters
 and
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
act aggressively while hearing them,
this
 eventually
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 bad situations to them and make a bad impression
over
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them in
this
community
.
Submitted by suruthi25 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • lifestyles and behaviours
  • glorify
  • distract
  • academic performance
  • self-expression
  • identity formation
  • source of inspiration
  • social and political messages
  • amplifying
  • accessible
  • influential
  • parental and educational guidance
  • critically analyze
  • responsible consumption
  • mitigate
What to do next:
Look at other essays: