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Band 6.5

The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age.

The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age.
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The following column graphs illustrate the types of
music
Use synonyms
albums
Use synonyms
 bought by people in Britain based on their gender and age categories. The graphs compare three kinds of
music
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 genres, which
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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pop
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music
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,
rock
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music
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, and classical
music
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, more
purchase
Use synonyms
 of the three types of
music
Use synonyms
albums
Use synonyms
 comes from the male population.There is a similar trend of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
music
Use synonyms
albums
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
purchase
Replace the word
purchased
show examples
 for
pop
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
 and
rock
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music
Use synonyms
. Comparing the age categories, those aged 25 to 34 contribute to the most
purchase
Use synonyms
 of the two
music
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albums
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, followed by those aged 16 to 24, 35 to 44, and
lastly
Linking Words
 45 or older. More than 30% of young people aged 25 to 34 prefer
pop
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music
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 and
rock
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music
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, classical
music
Use synonyms
 is preferred by those aged 45 or older, where about 20% of the age population
purchase
Use synonyms
 it.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, only about 1% of the young population aged 16 to 24
purchase
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 classical
music
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albums
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. In conclusion,
pop
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music
Use synonyms
 and
rock
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
 are popular among the young generation,
while
Linking Words
 classical
music
Use synonyms
 is preferred by the older generation.

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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words music, albums, pop, rock, purchase with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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