IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The education you receive from your family is more important than the education you receive from school. To what extent do you agree with this statement and why?

#education #school
Society
 evokes a wave of controversy about whether family
education
 is better than
school
education
, or vice versa. Many
people
 think that
education
 at home is more dominant than
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 at
school
, and I do not support
this
 statement as
school
education
 brings many knowledge background for a child, expands their social life- knows how to behave with
people
- and children
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
going to have more motivation when they
study
 with others.
School
Change the article
A school
show examples
 is a place that provides
students
both
Add the preposition
with both
show examples
 knowledge and social skill;
that is
 why
people
 usually compare
school
 with a
mini
Add a hyphen
mini-society
show examples
society
. Social skills help
students
 to communicate and work with others confidently; they will be able to easily share their ideas and build up their critical thinking.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
,
students
' relatives will be closer to them- communication is the way to bring each other together-
That is
 why most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools tend to create group activities for
students
.
For example
, in my
school
, teachers regularly assign
students
 activities
such
 as making a poster or a presentation together. Schools can
also
 supply many resources for
students
 and diplomas that scholars cannot get when they
study
 at home. Communicating not only helps
students
 to integrate into
society
 but
also
 assists them to avoid mental health. Researchers have found that talking with
people
 can help
people
 in several ways. We can release our negative thoughts and sorrows through sharing
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 even though the one
that is
 hearing us does not provide any solace. In conclusion, when children
study
 at
school
, they can receive the most important skills like communication that they cannot get when they are only at home with their family. And those relationships may help them when they get a job too.
Submitted by tonykim09 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial literacy
  • budgeting
  • savings
  • investing
  • tax obligations
  • retirement planning
  • loans
  • credit
  • interest rates
  • crowded curricula
  • traditional academic subjects
  • real-life experiences
  • parental guidance
  • practical
  • intellectually rigorous
  • school syllabus
  • gig economy
  • income-streams
  • challenging
  • trained teachers
  • specialized field
What to do next:
Look at other essays: