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Band 4.5

Some people believe that children that commit crimes should be punished. Others think the parents should be punished instead. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #crimes #parents
Children
 are the backbone of the country in the future, and if they have made a mistake. It's because they are still
young
Rephrase
too young
show examples
 to know what things are correct or wrong.
Children
 should be taught by their parents about making decisions. To make them realize what the right things to do,
by
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their parents about making decisions. The following paragraph will
be discussing
Wrong verb form
discuss
show examples
 both views.
Therefore
, the conclusion has been reached.
To begin
 with, some folk believe that if
children
 commit crimes. They should be punished by regulation for the youngster.
This
idea
 has been developed for
children
 to acknowledge that they can not do anything just because they want, and the penalty for a child will not same as an adult.
For example
, if they steal someone's values, they need to be sent to the house of correction
instead
 of jail. For those
children
 who need to be corrected,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
let them learn about the right decision that they should be made.
On the contrary
, there is a group of people with
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
idea
about
Change preposition
that
show examples
 the father/mother should get punished
instead
 of their
kids
.
This
idea
 developed from if parents taught their
kids
 good enough,
then
 they
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 not commit crimes and could live in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society without the problem. If follow
this
idea
 the outcome when
kids
 commit crimes will be their adults will sent to jail, and let
kids
 go live with their
cousin
Fix the agreement mistake
cousins
show examples
 or
relative
Fix the agreement mistake
relatives
show examples
. In conclusion, both opinions have their
idea
 and why these ideas have been developed. From my point of view, I strongly agree with the latter
idea
. Because youngsters need to learn the
consequence
Fix the agreement mistake
consequences
show examples
 that will come if they do not follow society's laws.
Submitted by pondssp on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details to improve coherence and logical structure.
task achievement
Expand on the argument of parents being punished instead of children to provide more depth to your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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