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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, the role of a mother differs in some ways from the role of a father. Why do you think these differences exist? How might parental roles develop in the future?

#countries #role #mother #father #differences #roles #future
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It is true that in several countries, differences regarding parental roles can be obviously witnessed, which are possibly attributed to both internal and external factors.
However
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that these distinctions
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be erased in
foreseeable
Correct article usage
the foreseeable
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 future with the rise in
equality
Add an article
the equality
show examples
 movement. The variation in
Use synonyms
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 and
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 distributions within a family
derive
Correct subject-verb agreement
derives
show examples
 from differing innate traits and obsolete prejudices on genders. Given that
men
Use synonyms
 are born forceful and aggressive, they undoubtedly could provide physical protection for the family.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the gentle and sensitive manners of
women
Use synonyms
 help
tight
Replace the word
tighten
show examples
 the emotional bonds among family members.
Moreover
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, when it comes to a child’s upbringing, fathers tend to express their love via action as opposed to mothers, who might offer sentimental support.
Besides
Linking Words
, discriminating prejudices that advocate a masculine-driven society
also
Linking Words
hold
Wrong verb form
held
show examples
 accountable for inequal household divisions. In many Asian countries,
women
Use synonyms
’s role is taken for granted and they are discouraged
to get
Change preposition
from getting
show examples
 a job like
men
Use synonyms
. Rather they reluctantly sacrifice their career fulfilling domestic duty and fostering their offspring.
Besides
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,
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 xenophobia in the form of
gender
Correct article usage
a gender
show examples
 wage gap is predominating
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 workplace. Even worse, many companies only recruit
men
Use synonyms
 for managerial positions
while
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 refusing to employ
women
Use synonyms
 simply because they carry maternal leave. In recent years,
however
Linking Words
, the roles of mothers and fathers have become interchangeable owing to various changes in society. The ever-increasing awareness of gender equality has forced companies to strike a balance between male and
females
Change the noun form
female
show examples
 employees. And
this
Linking Words
 gives rise to working mothers, who share the financial burden with the father. Equally important, it is socially acceptable
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
 the father
leave
Fix the infinitive
to leave
show examples
the
Change the word
his
show examples
jobs
Fix the agreement mistake
job
show examples
 to spend more time looking after
children
Correct article usage
the children
show examples
 and doing in-house duty. In light of
this
Linking Words
, I advocate that
this
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 household structure will inevitably replace the traditional one and become the norm in the long run. In conclusion,­ changes in parental roles are the result of
equality
Correct article usage
the equality
show examples
 movement and I believe
this
Linking Words
 development is, by all means, a positive trend, ushering in an egalitarian society.
Submitted by Anielts on

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Your essay has a logical structure, but the introduction and conclusion could be more clearly presented. Try providing a stronger introduction to set the context and a conclusive conclusion that summarizes your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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