IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive. To what extent you agree or disagree with the statement? You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your argument with examples and relevant evidence.

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In today's society,
Children
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 are more keen to make their own decisions
however
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 they struggle to distinguish between right and wrong. some say punishing them will help them in learning what is right
whereas
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 others think the opposite. First of all, One important aspect of teaching
children
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 the difference between right and wrong is through positive reinforcement rather than
punishment
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.
This
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 involves reinforcing good behaviour with rewards and praise which can be more effective in the long run.
For example
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, My niece used to speak rudely with everyone and sometimes would abuse me. So, we started a piggy bank for her she would put 5 dollars on every bad word from her pocket money. Later in a a few months she stopped using and became more conscious.
Moreover
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,
While
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punishment
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 can be seen as a quick solution to correcting wrong behaviour, it might instil fear rather than understanding in
children
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, leading them to hide their mistakes or lie.
On the other hand
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, Another approach can be involving them in discussions about ethics and consequences, allowing them to develop critical thinking skills and empathy towards others.
Also
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, incorporating moral education into the school curriculum could provide an environment where
children
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 understand the consequences of their actions intellectually rather than having them just follow rules
due to
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 fear of
punishment
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.
To Conclude
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, I strongly believe that reasonable consequences, not harsh
punishment
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, are necessary to make
children
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 understand the results of their actions, fostering responsibility and accountability.

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Task Achievement
Consider clearly stating your position in the introduction to strengthen your argument. This helps the reader understand your stance on punishment versus positive reinforcement early on.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more varied linking phrases to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Expand on some of your points to enhance the depth of analysis, particularly around ethical discussions and moral education.
Task Achievement
Your use of a personal example regarding your niece effectively illustrates your point about positive reinforcement being beneficial.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion summarizes your point well and reinforces your stance on reasonable consequences over harsh punishment.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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