IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that the environment may be destroyed because of tourism. Others, however, believe that it is a way to preserve nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #environment #tourism #nature
There is a common belief that the ecosystem might be annihilated by travelling,
whereas
 others believe that it is an approach to natural safety.
Although
 natural conservation can be justified for several reasons, I would agree that the tourists destroying the environment is of greater significance because of poor visitor awareness. On the one hand, the view that the environment is conserved by travellers is reasonable to a certain degree. The main reason is that tourism provides a large financial source for natural resource management, by means of park fees, government taxes, and tour operators’ special fees.
For instance
, they could invest in constructing eco-friendly infrastructures,
such
 as the creation of national parks for animals, which could lead to
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
environmental
Change preposition
in environmental
show examples
 degradation.
Nevertheless
, Travelling causes a disturbance in wildlife because of visitors’ noise.
For instance
, animals can wake up when they are going into hibernation,
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
show examples
 they may get on their nerves and attack visitors.
On the other hand
, there is ample evidence that the environment is destroyed by sightseers. The main reason is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
a lack of visitors’ consciousness,
such
 as collecting the natural resources as memories accounting for the gradual destruction of the natural habitat.
Hence
, the natural processes can be disrupted because of the fact that when tourists carve in rock as memories, they directly destroy the natural landscapes. Another factor is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
inadequate waste disposal that causes degradation of natural landscapes, which could result in the indirect pollution of water.
Thus
, their health can be
risked
Wrong verb form
at risk
show examples
due to
 drinking
this
 water. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that travelling is one of the methods to preserve nature, I would side with the view that tourists are destroying the natural habitat
due to
 their poor consciousness.
Submitted by star.nguyenhuyhoang.2409 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is weak. The ideas are not presented coherently.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack clarity and coherence. The main points are not effectively supported throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task, but the response is not fully developed. There are clear ideas but lack depth and clarity.
task achievement
The ideas are relevant, but the examples used are not effectively connected to support the main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: