IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

More and more children are becoming obese. What are the causes of this and What are the effects.

#children #effects
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Use synonyms
Children
Change noun form
Children's
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 health problems in the recent era are constantly on the rise, overweight is one of them.
This
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 situation has several reasons; it has some long-term effects. All these will explore in the
ensuring
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ensuing
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, do not follow a productive lifestyle and eating unhealthy
food
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 are the main reasons for Obesity.
Children
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 actively consume
first
Correct pronoun usage
their first
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food
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, which is unhygienic.
For example
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, many students
consuming
Wrong verb form
consume
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 junk foods during school time and they are
attracting
Wrong verb form
attracted
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 to these foods, for which there are no rules.
Additionally
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, these days,
children
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 are maintaining an unhealthy lifestyle by watching television and using gadgets. Most
children
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 are not getting enough physical activity and the results are detrimental,
also
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 parents do not give
proper
Correct pronoun usage
them proper
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 time.
On the other hand
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, these causes have
long term
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long-term
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 consequences.
Although
Linking Words
 fast
food
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 is effective for instant eating and those who have no time to make
food
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, it is unhygienic and damages our immune system.
For instance
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,
children
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's obesity and different types of health problems boom.
Consequently
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,
Due to
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 a bad
lifestyle
Add a comma
lifestyle,
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 they do not maintain relationships with family and friends;
however
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, they face a bad amalgam of illness stress and drug abuse. In conclusion, it must be highlighted that obesity in
children
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 is responsible for eating unhealthy
food
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 and feeling to lead a productive life. If do not find out the problem of solving the effects of these factors will be even greater.
Last
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 but not least there is no denying that
children
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’s health problems have become a consideration issue
Submitted by mksabbir3439 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and logical flow of ideas. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion need improvement for coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay partially addresses the task by discussing causes and effects of childhood obesity. However, it lacks depth and specific examples to fully support the main ideas.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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