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Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes may health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Sugar
 is the main ingredient
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 is contained in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
various consumer’s goods, especially food and beverage.
People
 believe that the high level of
sugar
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity and
heart
decease
Correct your spelling
disease
show examples
.
In addition
, they think that the best solution is to cut down the sugary consumption in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of increasing the price of
sweets
. I personally agree with
these idea
Change the determiner
this idea
these ideas
show examples
.
This
Correct determiner usage
The
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 following paragraphs will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
how
sugar
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human’s health, and how to control it. There are many
people
believe
Correct pronoun usage
who believe
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 that
sugar
 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
energy because
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 can boost
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
power after
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
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 and activities.
On the other hand
,
Sugar
 is
the
Correct article usage
an
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 addictive poison. It
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
deceases
Correct your spelling
diseases
show examples
such
 as obesity and
heart
decease
Correct your spelling
disease
show examples
. When
people
 overconsume
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sweets
, they will get fatter.
Moreover
, if they do not exercise and keep the body stay healthy,
this
 is the terrible stage which is tending to
heart
decease
Correct your spelling
disease
show examples
 in the end. I totally agree that the more
sweets
 are launched to the market, the more health problems can
cause
 in human. The main
cause
 of the problems is there are
over
Correct article usage
an over
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 quantity of
sugar
contain
Change the form of the verb
contained
show examples
 in foods. To solve
this
 problem, authorities have to control
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugary products and reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugar
’s overconsumption by rising
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 in order to decrease the demand.
Besides
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artificial sweeteners
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 efficient choice to replace
the
Correct article usage
apply
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real
sugar
. The fake
sugar
 can make the
sweets
 and same sense of taste as well as
sugar
 does.
Therefore
, I believe that increasing
price
Correct article usage
the price
show examples
 and using artificial
sugar
 can help
people
 to overcome the obesity and
heart
decease
Correct your spelling
disease
show examples
 epidemic which is caused by
sugar
 sustainably.
Submitted by ncnattaya on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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