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Writing Samples
Band 6

People in the limelight have a responsibility to set a example to others by their good behavior. Do you agree?

#people #limelight #responsibility #behavior
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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that celebrities have a responsibility towards the public by setting an example, especially for the youth
look
Fix the infinitive
to look
show examples
 up to.
Although
Linking Words
 to some extent I agree with
this
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 notion, there is a part to
this
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 which I disagree
to
Change preposition
with
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. On one hand, the
life
Use synonyms
 of a celebrity is one in which
people
Use synonyms
 want to be them or at least be like them. The public is in awe of the glitz and glamour of their
life
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, and
this
Linking Words
 puts them in a position to influence the youth. Make them aware of certain realities. A prime example of
this
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 is, in the recently completed European championship, Cristiano Ronaldo was in a press conference, and
in
Change preposition
at
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 that conference, he got rid of the Coke/Pepsi bottle near him, and said “water” in his native Portuguese, hinting that
people
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 should stop drinking these soft drinks, and
instead
Linking Words
 drink water. The result of
this
Linking Words
 simple action was accompanied by many other players following suit,
not to mention
Linking Words
 that Coca-Cola's market value plummeted by £2.8 billion.
However
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, one thing the public forgets is that celebrities
at the end
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 of the day, are
also
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people
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. They will make
mistakes
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, just like regular citizens and some of these
mistakes
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 will be
due to
Linking Words
 a lack of maturity.
Furthermore
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, for these
mistakes
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, we cannot really hold them accountable, because there are some
mistakes
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 that
people
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 make which reflect on their maturity level. In conclusion, whilst I feel celebrities hold a large fan base and thereby can inspire others to work hard
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and enjoy
life
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, they can
also
Linking Words
 just as easily make errors of judgement like the remainder of us, so it is always important to be objective about following the
life
Use synonyms
 of a celebrity.
Submitted by Nigelvictorlawrence on

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extended advice
Task Response: The essay partially addresses the task by discussing both agreements and disagreements with the statement. However, it lacks a clear stance and offers limited reasoning for the positions taken. Provide a more balanced and focused argument for a stronger task achievement.
extended advice
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure is evident and generally well-organized. The introduction and conclusion are present and relevant to the topic. The main points are supported with examples and reasoning. Continuing to develop a clear and cohesive argument will enhance overall coherence and cohesion.
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