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Band 6.5

More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on the endangered list. What are the causes. What can be done to solve this problem

#animals #verge #extinction #list
These days, wild
animals
 are on the verge of disappearing and others are at risk of
extinction
.
Therefore
 it is important to look at the causes that have resulted in and will continue resulting in the disappearance of some species, and find possible solutions to halt
this
 problem from continuing. To start off, the cause that contributed to the
extinction
 of
animals
 lies in the changing
environment
 to pursue their daily activities. Wild
animals
 need a specific temperature and nutrition to continue living like they
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 used to in the past decades. The changing in climate extremely affected the wild areas which resulted in an unsupported life
environment
 for these species.
Furthermore
, people are disturbing the wild space by destroying the forests. Removing trees to build other necessities that only serve humans because people are disturbing the land
that is
 part of
animals
' homes.
Thus
, the changes in the
environment
 and destroying forests are the causes of
extinction
.
Therefore
, to control the disappearance of wild
animals
, rules should be set in areas where
animals
 are pushed to leave,
due to
 the unsupported mode of living. Forests should be protected from any damage, by setting general rules.
This
 will protect these
animals
 and their
environment
 will remain.
Moreover
, it will be important to look for possible alternatives where
animals
 can be displaced in case their current
environment
 is affected by the change. If an animal used to live in a more tropical area, but
due to
 the changes of temperature in their current area, moving
this
 species to other countries will solve the problem of
extinction
. In conclusion, people should consider rules and displace
animals
 when necessary to protect these
animals
 from disappearing.
Submitted by ouazilhakima010 on

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task achievement
To improve the relevance and specificity of examples, consider incorporating more detailed case studies or data to support the points made. For instance, mention specific species that are endangered because of deforestation and climate change.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence, ensure that each paragraph clearly links to the next by using connecting phrases or sentences. This will help in maintaining the flow of ideas and arguments throughout the essay.
task achievement
Further develop some of your ideas by expanding on how and why certain solutions (like relocating animals) would be practical and effective in preventing extinction.
coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a strong framework for your argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points of your essay are logically structured, fitting well within the discussion and being relevant to the given task.
task achievement
You have effectively identified and addressed the two main causes of animal extinction, which shows a good understanding of the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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