IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the level of violent crime in the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In our ever-changing world, it is argued by a group of people that the government should reduce the frequency of
violation
Fix the agreement mistake
violations

It seems that violation may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 on
television
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 and shows to limit the crime rate in
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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society these days. From my perspective, I totally agree with
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 statement in terms of preventing imitation and cynicism and
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 essay will analyze the rationale for my viewpoint. To commence, it is unequivocal that
audience
Fix the agreement mistake
audiences

It seems that audience may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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, especially children and juveniles, are vulnerable to have the awareness negatively affected by
television
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 programmes
which
Correct pronoun usage
that

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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 contain brutality.
As a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 of being immature, teenagers are likely to be unable to justify whether the violent actions broadcasted on
television
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 are legal or not,
hence
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 having
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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misled conceptions of these scenes. Thereby, there is
very
Correct your spelling
every

The word very doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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likelihood
Replace the word
likely

The word likelihood doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 that they might imitate these violent actions in real life without hesitation. Taking martial arts movies as an example, watching these films
in
Change preposition
at

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 an early age might make teenagers assume that violence symbolizes power,
thus
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 they might try to implement these fighting scenes in real lives. As a consequence,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 could cause harmful influence as well as injuries on not only themselves but
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 their neighbours, leading to the increase in the wrongdoing and the instability in the society. Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply

The preposition to after Regarding may be unnecessary. Consider removing the second preposition.

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the cynicism term, the repeated exposure of bloodshed on
television
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 on a regular basis might cause the public's familiarity with cruelty.
Therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is undoubted that people are likely to stay numb and cynical when witnessing a violent incident in real life since they have come across these fierce actions a lot on social media.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, when a clash breaks out, people watching too much violent serial oftentimes tend to stay out of the fight and observe it
Correct your spelling
instead

The word in stead seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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in stead
Correct your spelling
instead

The word in stead seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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 of preventing it. We can effortlessly come up with the fact that a gradual decrease in
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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empathy and kindness in
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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society might ensue. In conclusion, the brutal scenes have their own undeniable drawbacks so that the government ought to take appropriate measures to gain dominant control over the
Correct your spelling
widespread
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wide spread
Correct your spelling
widespread

The word wide spread seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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 of
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 phenomenon.

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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