IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

You should spend about 40 mins. Write about the following topic: Many people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. Do you agree or disagree?

#mins #topic #people #phones #places #libraries #shops #transport
It is thought by a selection of individuals that essential technologies
such
 as smartphones should be restricted in public areas like libraries, shops and public transport. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with
this
 notion and my supporting reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion. At the outset, there are a number of benefits that mobile phones in recent years can offer to people and one of the most significant is that it improves our quality of life. To elaborate
further
,
this
 state-of-the-art technology can help us communicate, socialise and translate
while
 we are going on trips.
Moreover
, they provide us with routes to our destinations and the arrival times of the public transport. An apt illustration of
this
 is I went on a trip to Japan
last
 year with my family and I always used a Google Translate application to translate menus because it was mostly written in Japanese language.
In addition
, my brother and I had to use a travel application to check the directions and locations;
as well as
 the arrival times of trains when we needed to go to our destinations.
Additionally
, another clear upside of smartphones is useful resources. To explain in greater detail, people can surf the Internet in order to gain more knowledge and information through a number of websites, blogs, etc.
Furthermore
, individuals still keep in touch with their loved ones whenever they think of them or miss them. To specifically demonstrate, my brother is now studying for a Master's degree and
hence
 he always uses his smartphone to look up information about his dissertation;
besides
, when he feels lonely and blue, he regularly calls his girlfriend in order to brighten and lighten his mood, cheering him up again. All in all, some citizens believe that mobile phones should be banned in public places. From my point of view, I disagree with
this
 idea as they are a paramount factor
to enhance
Change preposition
in enhancing
show examples
 the individuals' quality of life. Another thing is that they are an important resource for us to obtain tremendous knowledge and tighten our bond and relationship with our loves.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
Maintain consistency in expressing opinions. You've done well, but ensure every argument directly addresses the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Regarding coherence and cohesion, keep your paragraphs well-organized and ensure your ideas flow naturally from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
The essay begins with a clear introduction and ends with a well-summarized conclusion, contributing to a strong logical structure.
task achievement
The use of personal examples enhances the argument and helps to clarify points, making the essay more relatable and comprehensive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Disturbance
  • Disruptive
  • Exposure
  • Eye strain
  • Face-to-face interactions
  • Social isolation
  • Hinder
  • Emergency situations
  • Quick access
  • Crucial
What to do next:
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