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Band 6

The obesity rate among teenagers has increased drastically in many developed countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions

#obesity #rate #teenagers #countries
These days, a considerable rise in the number of overweight youth has become the major health crisis reported in several developed countries across the world. In
this
 essay, I will elaborate on the main reasons for
this
 growth and provide effective remedies to alleviate
this
 health problem. There are 2 main factors that caused obesity consisting of lifestyle and diet.
First
 of all, the nowadays lifestyle lead teenagers to have less
exercise
.
For example
,
instead
 of playing football with friends during
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
show examples
 time, they prefer to sit on a sofa and play video games on a smartphone.
Moreover
, youngsters prefer eating fast
foods
 and desserts containing high fat, sugar, and carbohydrate, rather than eating healthy
foods
 including vegetables and protein. Obviously, my nephew absolutely chose a pizza and fried chickens for lunch
although
 there were
also
 a tuna salad and chicken breasts on the table.
Therefore
, As an effort to reduce obesity among adolescences, increasing
exercise
 hours and controlling the diet can be promising methods.
To begin
, schools should encourage students to spend more time on
exercise
 by organizing the sports day and providing the sport's facility.
As a result
, the young will love doing
exercise
,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
eventually
Add a comma
,eventually
show examples
 they will get in shape and stay healthy.
Furthermore
, the authorities should impose the regulation on the school's cafeterias to limit the dessert and fast food selling. As students get difficult to access these unhealthy
foods
, they will eat only
foods
 remaining in canteens, which all of the
foods
 should be healthy
foods
. Due to
this
, children, who consume the invaluable
foods
, will become healthy. In conclusion, an enormous increase in overweight teenagers is a concern in many civilized countries, the obesity among youngs is attributed to lazy lifestyles and bad diets.
However
,
this
 crisis can be mitigated by adding
exercise
 hours
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and limiting unhealthy meals.
Submitted by prokoh_ja_555 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dramatically
  • prevalence
  • addictive
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • gadgets
  • exertion
  • awareness
  • balanced diet
  • incorporate
  • nutritional education
  • facilitating
  • impose
  • regulations
  • restricting
  • promote
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