IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that the government should not spend money on international aid when they have their own disadvantaged people like homeless and unemployed. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #money #aid
Government spending is a most debatable topic because it is
finally
 the public fund,
however
, spending power in other hands, few
people
. advocate that donation to other nations, who are in need should be stopped completely,
moreover
, they advocating that, utilise that wealth for their own community, who are
under privileged
Correct your spelling
underprivileged
show examples
, I completely in favour of
this
, and I will discuss it in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, individuals paying taxes for their uplifting their own
provincial
Replace the word
province
show examples
 rather than spending it on the other nation, to elaborate it, many
people
 struggling for two times food and basic amenities like clothes, shelter, and water. So,
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 priority on the funds is for them not for others,
for example
, in 2011 India gave 200 crores as relief funds to a provincial while east India
affected
Add a missing verb
was affected
show examples
 harshly
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the famine
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the same year,
consequently
 the native
people
 deserve more than
outsider
Fix the agreement mistake
outsiders
show examples
 because it is their own wealth which was collected by them in form of a tariff. addition to
this
, it is important to give preference to the own population.
Furthermore
, generating extra income for the jobless and building houses for
people
, ultimately curb many problems and eradicate poverty.
Firstly
,
Manrega
Correct your spelling
Manga
, excellent initiative by authority for below poverty population, in
this
 they providing work, food which helps to deter the unemployment as well as food scarcity.
Secondly
, initiation of providing lunch to the school going students in government-affiliated institutions,
moreover
, another scheme for girls who are under 21years they gifted by 2000 Indian rupee every month, these are good initiative but the amount should be increased by the administration, if they curb other donations to the foreign nations it can be possible. In conclusion, helping others is a brilliant task, but ,
first
Add a comma
,first
show examples
 help yourself, so, that in future individuals never face any disparity on any level, after become developed country land helping hand for another country, in my ,opinion many fields required more spending than funds on them so that in future public never face any problems because of wealth.
Submitted by vinitajnv on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: