IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the level of violent crime in the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent decades, amount of TV series and
movies
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 which are pictured much violent crimes and murders increase dramatically. Unfortunately, due to
this
Linking Words
 emphasis
rate
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 of
crime
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 rise in society significantly. I definitely agree with the idea that governments ought to regulate the programs because of reducing the
rate
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 of harshness. On the one hand, there is no doubt that teenagers are the vulnerable group of our communities when it comes to committing a
crime
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. when they see many cruelties on TV maybe inspire them to do that because they think that it would be amusing.
Furthermore
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, if people see
many
Replace the quantifier
much
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 violence on a daily basis, it will be like an ordinary act for them and don't do any special reaction.
For instance
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, nowadays many citizens when reading murder news, it doesn't make them sad because they read the same news every day.
Hence
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, if authorities want to reduce the
rate
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 of
crime
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 and cruel acts in their society, they ought to control the amount of violence on TV programs.
Although
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 there are so many other solutions, make some rules for producing television programs can reduce some detrimental and harsh thinking in society before anyone commits a
crime
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.
Also
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, some
movies
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 like the
movies
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 about serial killers, sometimes are shown to people how they can kill a person in detail and
practically
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practices
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 that
are
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is
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 terrible. To conclude, I believe that if a country’s dwellers see fewer violent
movies
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 and even knowing about some violent acts, it has a significant impact on the
rate
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 of
crime
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 in that country.

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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