The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the level of violent crime in the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It appears that the quantifier many does not fit with the uncountable noun violence. Consider changing it.
The word practically doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.
The verb are does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- in additional
- for example
- for instance
- even though
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