The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the level of violent crime in the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent decades, amount of TV series and
movies
which are pictured much violent crimes and murders increase dramatically. Unfortunately, due to
this
emphasis
rate
of
crime
rise in society significantly. I definitely agree with the idea that governments ought to regulate the programs because of reducing the
rate
of harshness. On the one hand, there is no doubt that teenagers are the vulnerable group of our communities when it comes to committing a
crime
. when they see many cruelties on TV maybe inspire them to do that because they think that it would be amusing.
Furthermore
, if people see
many
Replace the quantifier
much

It appears that the quantifier many does not fit with the uncountable noun violence. Consider changing it.

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violence on a daily basis, it will be like an ordinary act for them and don't do any special reaction.
For instance
, nowadays many citizens when reading murder news, it doesn't make them sad because they read the same news every day.
Hence
, if authorities want to reduce the
rate
of
crime
and cruel acts in their society, they ought to control the amount of violence on TV programs.
Although
there are so many other solutions, make some rules for producing television programs can reduce some detrimental and harsh thinking in society before anyone commits a
crime
.
Also
, some
movies
like the
movies
about serial killers, sometimes are shown to people how they can kill a person in detail and
practically
Replace the word
practices

The word practically doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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that
are
Change the verb form
is

The verb are does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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terrible. To conclude, I believe that if a country’s dwellers see fewer violent
movies
and even knowing about some violent acts, it has a significant impact on the
rate
of
crime
in that country.
Submitted by mgolnari6 on

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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