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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the level of violent crime in the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent decades, amount of TV series and Movies which picture many violent crimes and murders
increase
Wrong verb form
has increased
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 dramatically. Unfortunately,
due to
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this
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 emphasis rate of lawlessness
acts
Use synonyms
rise
Correct subject-verb agreement
rises
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 in society significantly. I definitely agree with the idea that governments out to regulate the programs because of reducing the percentage of harshness. On the one hand, there is no doubt that teenagers are the vulnerable group of our communities when it comes to committing a crime. when they see many cruelties on TV maybe inspire them to do that because they think that it would be amusing.
Furthermore
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, if people see many
acts
Use synonyms
 of violence on a daily basis, it will be like an ordinary act for them and don't
do
Verb problem
have
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 any special reaction.
For instance
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, nowadays many citizens
when reading
Wrong verb form
read
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 murder news,
it
Correct word choice
and it
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 doesn't make them sad because they read the same news every day.
Hence
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, if authorities want to reduce the number of violations and cruel
acts
Use synonyms
 in their society, they ought to regulate the amount of violence on TV programs.
Although
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 there are so many other solutions,
make
Wrong verb form
making
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 some rules for producing television programs can reduce some detrimental and harsh thinking in society before anyone commits a crime.
Also
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, some movies like the
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
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 about serial killers, sometimes
are shown
Wrong verb form
show
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to
Change preposition
apply
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people how they kill a person in detail that are terrible.
To conclude
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, I believe that if a country’s dwellers see fewer violent movies and even
knowing
Wrong verb form
know
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 about some violent
acts
Use synonyms
, it has a dire impact on the rate of crime in that country.

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task response
To improve task response, ensure that all aspects of the essay prompt are addressed directly and clearly. Provide a more balanced view by discussing potential counterarguments as well.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph relates back to the main topic and thesis statement.
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