IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and heath care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

#children #terms #health #heath #care #costs
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
An increasing number of
children
Use synonyms
 are overweight which could
result
Add the preposition
inresult
fromresult
show examples
 many problems when they grow older both in terms of their
health
Use synonyms
 and
heath
Correct your spelling
health
show examples
 care costs. Why do you think so many
children
Use synonyms
 are overweight? What could be done to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem? Obesity among
children
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 increasing
Add a hyphen
day-by-day
show examples
day-by
Correct your spelling
day by
show examples
 day.
Parents
Use synonyms
 are forced to spend more on their
health
Use synonyms
 as being obese might result in many
health
Use synonyms
 issues. I think bad eating habits in youngsters results in
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
. The
parents
Use synonyms
 should keep a track of eating for their
kids
Use synonyms
. The most important point ,
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays are lazy, and they have
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 bad eating
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
 which
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them obese.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should always see what their
kids
Use synonyms
 are eating. They should make sure that their
kids
Use synonyms
are indulge
Change the verb form
are indulging
show examples
 in physical activities. Through the advancement of technology,
children
Use synonyms
 are more inclined towards playing video games
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and spending more
time
Use synonyms
 on mobile phones. They should set a schedule for everything, and make sure that they are doing it.
For example
Linking Words
, earlier
children
Use synonyms
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not have access to
mobile
Add an article
a mobile
the mobile
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 that’s why they are healthy. The
time
Use synonyms
spend
Change the verb form
spends
show examples
 on
mobile
Add an article
a mobile
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 should be reduced.to a limited number of hours. Another point
in
Add the comma(s)
, in this case,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 case is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
Parents
Use synonyms
 do not have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to spend with their
children
Use synonyms
, they are too busy that they hire maids to take care of them.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to eat less fatty foods as
kids
Use synonyms
 only want to have
food
Use synonyms
 which
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 delicious and, delicious
food
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 most of the
time
Use synonyms
 are full of fats, carbohydrates and , among others. They should encourage them to play games which helps them to improve their mental
health
Use synonyms
. They should give them
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
home cooked
Add a hyphen
home-cooked
show examples
 meals as they are prepared in clean surroundings, and with less oil.
For example
Linking Words
, even most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dieticians prefer to have
home cooked
Add a hyphen
home-cooked
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 as it will have all the nutrients for
children
Use synonyms
 to grow, and will not make
kids
Use synonyms
 fat. In conclusion, lack of physical and mental activity trend among
children
Use synonyms
 make them obese.
Parents
Use synonyms
 have to put in efforts and spare
time
Use synonyms
 for their
children
Use synonyms
 to make sure they get
home cooked
Add a hyphen
home-cooked
show examples
food
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and participate in physical activities
also
Linking Words
Submitted by tushar.chaudharytc on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: