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Band 6.5

Many animals are being hunted to the brink of extinction in order to fulfil the demand and greed of mankind for decorative purposes as well as for other reasons, such as traditional medicine. How can this issue be tackled?

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Because of some human activities that exist only for the purpose of satisfying
people
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's needs,
such
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 as hunting elephants for their ivory in Africa to make decorations or whaling in Greenland as a traditional way to honour the elderly, some vulnerable species are dying out. In my opinion, in order to save these creatures, there are two possible solutions that
people
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 can adopt to help them.
First
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 of all, governments can spend more money on protecting these fragile creatures, and meanwhile introduce severe punishment to punish illegal hunters, smugglers, and merchants. For many years scientists and zoologists have contributed themself to track and locate endangered
animals
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' migration routes and their habitats.
Therefore
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, it is not difficult for governments to deploy more armed soldiers there to curb hunting.
Furthermore
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, these unethical and brutal
people
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 mostly do
such
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 things just for wealth and for fun.
Thus
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 it is reasonable to believe that if a harsh punishment can be imposed, there are fewer
people
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 willing to risk themself for fortune, and
as a result
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 to mitigate the hunting activities.
Moreover
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, education is another promising way to preserve wild
animals
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. Some regions' indigenous
people
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 in
this
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 world have their own traditions
such
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 as whaling, which is a way of respecting the elders
,
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apply
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 or killing lions to show their bravery. Both these activities are just a notion and can be changed. While It is true that to change these
people
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's pre-existing ideas is almost impossible, their younger generations' mind is penetrable. By educating children about the importance of biodiversity and the value of animal conservation, delicate
animals
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 will be able to survive sustainably. In conclusion,
people
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 have done bloody things on wild
animals
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 for several decades, which lead to some on the verge of extinction, and sadly it still happens. In order to change
this
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 fact, the government has to enact laws to frighten
people
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 who are directly or indirectly involved in animal killing.
In addition
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 to
this
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, educating the
next
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 generation can reach the goal of conservation as well.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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