IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people put their personal information (address, telephone number,...) online for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #activities #networks #purposes #development
It is true that a growing number of
people
 have put their personal details online.
While
 there are undoubtedly dangers in
this
, I believe that the convenience of putting
such
 data on the internet outweighs the negative aspects. On the one hand, personal
information
 which is held online may be stolen or misused in some way by
cyber criminals
Correct your spelling
cybercriminals
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.
For example
, thanks to advances in technology, online banking is now common.
People
 must trust the security measures put in place by banks and
by
Change preposition
apply
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companies to ensure that their bank account details are guaranteed to be secure from computer hackers. Strict codes of conduct minimise the dangers but,
in contrast
, criminals can access all kinds of personal
information
 which
people
 naively provide on social networking sites,
such
 as Facebook or Instagram.
As a result
, users of these sites may find that they are victims of online scams.
On the other hand
, the storage of personal
information
 online is convenient in various ways.
Firstly
, it enables
people
 to pay for goods ordered over the internet,
for instance
. Time-consuming visits to the shops or the bank have been superseded by simply clicking a computer key.
Secondly
, sharing personal
information
 on social network sites is one of those socio-economic changes which has revolutionised patterns of behaviour . Friends and family members who have access to the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 are able to keep in touch freely and easily.
Thus
, sharing personal details online for business or pleasure has accelerated the flow of
information
 and is user-friendly, and
therefore
 old ways of doing things have become obsolete. In conclusion, despite the risks of personal online
information
 falling into the wrong hands, I would argue that the convenience of sharing
this
information
 outweighs these risks.
Submitted by chocolovemint99 on

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task response
Ensure that all parts of the essay directly address the task question and maintain a clear position throughout the essay. Provide a clear opinion in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph supports this position.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a clear introduction and conclusion, linking back to the topic and overall argument. Ensure that ideas and details are logically organized and connected throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal information
  • Online privacy
  • Security concerns
  • Identity theft
  • Enhanced connectivity
  • Convenient access
  • Social networks
  • Banking purposes
  • Positive development
  • Negative impact
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