IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many adults nowadays prefer spending their free time playing computer games. Why do they do this? Is this a positive or negative development?

#adults #time #computer #games #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the present day, the advancement of technology plays a vital role in
people
Use synonyms
’s lives. More and more
people
Use synonyms
 rely on computers than in the past. They spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 in front of screens even their leisure
time
Use synonyms
. Several
people
Use synonyms
 believe that playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 will provide benefits
such
Linking Words
 as relaxation.
However
Linking Words
, from my perspective, there are two reasons including technological advancement and mental
health
Use synonyms
 that lead
people
Use synonyms
 to use their free
time
Use synonyms
 on esports, and it detrimentally impacts players in physical
health
Use synonyms
 and
behaviour
Use synonyms
.
First
Linking Words
 of all, cutting-edge technology provides convenience to
people
Use synonyms
. Adults can access computers easily since they are portable, lightweight, and cheap.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are developed with high quality
such
Linking Words
 as high graphic design and clear vision, and realistic features to attract
people
Use synonyms
 to play them. The
second
Linking Words
 reason is a mental disorder. To clarify, many
people
Use synonyms
 work in a highly competitive environment and become a workaholic which
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
cause them to get
stress
Wrong verb form
stressed
show examples
 easily, and do not get much
time
Use synonyms
 for other activities.
Therefore
Linking Words
, joining PC
games
Use synonyms
 during leisure
time
Use synonyms
 is one of the best choices for them.
However
Linking Words
, spending
time
Use synonyms
 playing esports damages physical
health
Use synonyms
 and
behaviour
Use synonyms
. With long
time
Use synonyms
 sitting, there are no physical exercise and movement, so these lead to diseases
such
Linking Words
 as back pain and obesity.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it can
also
Linking Words
 destroy eyesight to have blurred vision or pain since they have to exposure to the blue light for a long period of
time
Use synonyms
.
Next
Linking Words
, negative
behaviour
Use synonyms
 is another detrimental outcome of playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 because some adults become addicts. They will concentrate on the game, and do not communicate with others or participate in any activities, so these can make them be the unsociable person. All in all, various
people
Use synonyms
 currently play
computer
Use synonyms
 sports during their free
time
Use synonyms
, since it is convenient, accessible, attractive, and relaxant.
However
Linking Words
, there are both positive and negative impacts that affect players’ lives. From my point of view, it gives negative consequences on the physical
health
Use synonyms
 and
behaviour
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by cocoa18214 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: