IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic?

#people #effects #epidemic
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is certainly true that the most worrying threat to the planet is
obesity
Use synonyms
, due to which
individuals
Use synonyms
 are suffering from many obstacles and it is generally acknowledged that in gone are days
maximum
Change the article
a maximum
the maximum
show examples
 number of
individuals
Use synonyms
 are obese as compare to past. I personally opine that fast
food
Use synonyms
 and less physical work are the main causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem and in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I will discuss these causes along with some specific solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon. To commence with , there is no doubt that in the sophisticated era
people
Use synonyms
 are becoming more obese.
Linking Words
First
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
 and foremost reason is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 highest preference
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 junk
food
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
individuals
Add an article
the individuals
show examples
 have
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 hectic schedule due to which, they are not able to cook
food
Use synonyms
 at home and at that time they like to eat processed
food
Use synonyms
 which is not good for
health
Use synonyms
. To cite with an example, it's
recent
Add an article
a recent
show examples
 survey of 'Guardian newspaper ' it revealed that 39%of
people
Use synonyms
 with
a fast
Remove the article
fast food
a portion of fast food
show examples
food
Use synonyms
, facing the problem of
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, street
food
Use synonyms
 is a major cause of
health
Use synonyms
 problems
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
today.
Secondly
Linking Words
, with the advancement of technology masses are totally dependent
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 electrical
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 and they do not give preference to manual work. By
this
Linking Words
 practice ,
individuals
Use synonyms
 getting overweight as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to past,when they always do work by hand.
However
Linking Words
 , to mention the solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 occurrence. As all know that every problem can be solved by some measurements.
In addition
Linking Words
 ,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 can
also
Linking Words
Add a missing verb
be
show examples
helpful
Replace the word
help
show examples
 in
reduce
Change the verb form
reducing
show examples
 the
obesity
Use synonyms
 problems among
people
Use synonyms
, as
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
should provide awareness
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
in those areas where
people
Use synonyms
 have no knowledge regarding that how they can maintain their
health
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 will come to know about some basic things regarding their better
health
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, masses ought to avoid junk
food
Use synonyms
 and give
prepernece
Correct your spelling
preference
 to nutritional
food
Use synonyms
, which is prepared at him. Owing to
this
Linking Words
, they can easily maintain their body weight and live
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 life. In conclusion, after the above confabulation,
although
Linking Words
 the causes of
obesity
Use synonyms
 have
deleterious
Add an article
a deleterious
show examples
 effect on humans health9yet government and
individuals
Use synonyms
 should go hand in hand
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 curb the neck of
this
Linking Words
 situation, as a small step can bring mammoth change.
Submitted by Pooja Dhindsa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: