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Band 4

Some people think that children should receive formal training at school on how to be good parents in the future. Do you agree or disagree with this statement??

#people #children #school #parents #future
Parenting as a subject should be included in the
school
 curriculum in order to learn.
Although
, there are some people who claim that will be beneficial for children,
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
while
, others decline
this
 notion. In,
forthcoming
Correct pronoun usage
my forthcoming
show examples
 essay, I will articulate the pros and cons of
this
 statement. Generally speaking, there are some people who favour parenting taught at
school
 in
juveniles
Change noun form
juveniles'
juvenile's
show examples
 early stage of life , because it helps to realise a sense of responsibility. Perhaps, the most predominant reason is that, if
this
 topic is added to the
school
 syllabus they can learn about how to take care of themselves
as well as
 their siblings.
In other words
, modern parents are busy with their professional life , in their
absence
Add a comma
absence,
show examples
 adolescents can look after younger members of their families.
For example
, a few years back a survey
has been
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 conducted to see the ratio of pupils who taught parenting at
school
 but the outcome was astonishing because 40% of children were becoming more sensible and responsible compared to the past.
However
,
on the other hand
, there are a couple of drawbacks
introduce
Change preposition
to introducing
show examples
 a new course .
Firstly
, I strongly believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 young
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 bags are already loaded with lots of activities and subjects. For that reason, every day they attempted lots of work at
school
 and after
school
 and
also
 started to feel study as a burden and get fatigued
as well as
 faced with some mental disorder.
For instance
, Who reports that, unlike ,
past
Correct article usage
the past
show examples
 the rate of depression and obesity among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
younger
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 increases dangerously
thus
 of
school
Replace the word
schoolwork
show examples
 works. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, we should not add any extra topic at an early age because
this
 is not essential to
learn
Replace the word
learning
show examples
 they can learn
this
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their adulthood.
To conclude
, students should enjoy their childhood without taking any responsibilities
therefore
Add the comma(s)
, therefore
show examples
, it is not the right time to learn about duties. I recommend
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
they need to live their
school
 life.
Submitted by mahmuduts on

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task response
Task Response: The essay partially addresses the prompt but lacks a clear stance and a balanced argument. There is also a need for a more comprehensive discussion of the benefits and drawbacks of including parenting in the school curriculum.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: There is some attempt at logical structure and supporting main points, but the essay lacks coherence and cohesion due to the unclear progression of ideas, lack of clear introduction and conclusion, and inadequate use of examples and evidence to support the points.

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