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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

We can see more disasters and violence show on TV What are its cause and what effects will they exert on the individual and the society

#disasters #violence #show #tv #effects #society
Nowadays, it is undeniable that
children
have behaviour
Verb problem
behave
show examples
 and act the same as what they see on
television
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
in the past. We can see that there are many disasters and violent varieties on
television
 that affect to bad behaviour and
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
 of
children
 and individuals. In the following paragraphs, both
causes
 and effects of
this
 issue will be outlined in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
detail. There are many
causes
 of bad behaviour and
feeling
Replace the word
feelings
show examples
 from disasters and violent
news
 that
people
 are watching on
television
.
Firstly
, most
people
 currently have stress in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 that
causes
 many
people
 to commit a crime
that is
 extremely violent that
news
 agency is interested in that case.
Secondly
, sometimes
news
 agency does not use consideration before presenting
news
 on a show and does not care who is watching their
news
.
For example
, some
children
 watch crime
news
 with their parents, and
news
 agencies like to reproduce a criminal situation.
Finally
, we cannot predict a disaster, and sometimes we cannot avoid watching the
news
 of a disaster. For the cause that I mentioned
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
above with effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 every individual life in many conditions.
Firstly
, an extremely violent criminal case that
people
 watch on
television
 makes them feel more stressed and they will use it as a model to commit a crime in the future
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in
children
 that they will remember the action of the criminal. Parents should teach them to know the disadvantages of criminal action if they are watching the
news
 together. Another reason is if
people
 cannot avoid watching disaster
news
, they should watch it by using awareness and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not cross the bridge until you come to it because if you do not use awareness you will have more stress and live with fear. In conclusion, there are many
causes
 and effects
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 watching disasters or violent
news
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
television
. So, individuals and society have to watch it with consideration.
Submitted by palmpppm on

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task response
Address the prompt by discussing both causes and effects of the issue in more detail. Make sure to provide specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but you could improve the overall logical structure of the essay. Make sure to have a clear progression of ideas and use transition words to connect different parts of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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