IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #countries #effects
Obesity is one of the most
concerned
Replace the word
concerning
show examples
 issues in the growing countries. Fast
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 is one of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
cause
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity and it leads to many health issues at
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 young age. Nowadays, people are quite busy with their work schedule that they do not even have time for themselves to eat proper nutritional
food
. In that case, parents give packaged
food
 to their
kids
 which has the highest calories. In order to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 the family's need, both husband and wife
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 to work and nobody has adequate time to cook for lunch and dinner both so half of the time, they opt for the restaurant
food
 or order it online. Another reason is
kids
 prefer junk
food
 over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Correct your spelling
homemade
show examples
home made
Correct your spelling
homemade
show examples
 healthy
food
. Due to the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 social media platforms and tempting tv advertisements play a vital role to encourage children to have junk
food
for
Add the comma(s)
,for
show examples
 example, burgers and chips and make them hefty.
Kids
 only need a reason to eat from the outside yet
not
Add a missing verb
are not
show examples
 aware of the consequences. Parents, sometimes do not realize the adverse
Replace the word
effect
show examples
affect
Correct your spelling
effect
show examples
 of the
fat containing
Add a hyphen
fat-containing
show examples
food
.
For instance
, one small packet of chips has 150 gm fats and it requires an hour of
brisk
Add an article
a brisk
show examples
 walk to burn that
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 calories. New generation
kids
 eat
Add an article
a full
show examples
full fat
Add a hyphen
full-fat
show examples
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 and play games online or watch tv and do not go out to play which makes them obese. Gaining weight at
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 young age cause diabetes and blood
pressure related
Add a hyphen
pressure-related
show examples
 health issues. Some
kids
 even have thyroid
as a result
 of their accessive
wieght
Correct your spelling
weight
. In conclusion, in developed countries because of busy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 do not pay much attention to their kid's diet which results
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 obesity.
Submitted by brijal_desai on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • caloric intake
  • processed foods
  • fast food culture
  • screen time
  • metabolic disorders
  • healthcare expenditure
  • lifestyle diseases
  • preventative strategies
  • nutritional education
  • public health policy
  • body mass index (BMI)
  • emotional well-being
  • stigmatization
  • exercise regimen
  • eating habits
  • junk food
  • socioeconomic factors
  • health literacy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: