IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
In the thriving industry of
beverage
Fix the agreement mistake
beverages
show examples
, nowadays numerous manufactures use
sweetener
Fix the agreement mistake
sweeteners
show examples
 as
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 attractive factor to
customers
, left behind possible potential health problems.
This
 perspective leads to an argument that sugary products should be elevated in price to reduce
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 consumption.
However
,
this
 issue cannot be solved by
this
 method.
First
 of all,
human
Add an article
the human
a human
show examples
 taste of sweetness is extremely difficult to adjust.
In other words
,
manufactures
Replace the word
manufacturers
show examples
 use
sugar
 in their products to satisfy their
customers
'
taste
Fix the agreement mistake
tastes
show examples
.
Additionally
,
this
 is the competitive component to achieve sales over their rivals.
Hence
, sweet accommodation would be more
harm
Replace the word
harmful
show examples
 than good if their
customers
 become
disatisfied
Correct your spelling
dissatisfied
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their meals or drinks. Because of business success, the manufactures would rather raise up their products price to adapt to
sugar
's input than lower the percentage of
sugar
.
For example
, a brand of
coffee
 named Nestcafé had
lower
Wrong verb form
lowered
show examples
 their sweet level in their canned milk
coffee
 in
Vietnamese
Add an article
the Vietnamese
show examples
 market, they
ment
Correct your spelling
meant
 to enable their
customers
 to real
coffee
 taste.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
this
 strategy failed after
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 months because more than 30% of their
customers
 turned to milk
coffee
 of Highland brand.
Secondly
, manufactures would find other resources of
sweetener
Fix the agreement mistake
sweeteners
show examples
 if
sugar
 cost is unproperly high and
this
 could result in
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
unpredictable consequences. To illustrate, nowadays chemical sweetener which is synthesized from artificial factors is more and more popular. It could be considered substitution if the input of true
sugar
 was too high.
Nevertheless
, scientists have never assured on the long_term bad adverse of
those substitution
Change the determiner
that substitution
those substitutions
show examples
 to people's health. As the consequence, for those disadvantages I mentioned above, the argument of upgrading
sugar
's budget is
Add an article
an uneffective
the uneffective
show examples
Correct your spelling
ineffective
show examples
uneffective
Correct your spelling
ineffective
show examples
 process to encourage less
sugar
 consumption.
Submitted by nthaotram on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: